Today is Mother's Day and yesterday was my mother's birthday. My mother. The concept of a mother is a foreign one because my mother is a woman whom I have not seen in 27 years. Strangely enough, that last time was in May as well; May 4th. I was 10 years old and she said I will see you tomorrow and I'm still waiting for that tomorrow. I guess it shouldn't have come as that much of a surprise that she never came the next day, as the last time I saw her, she was heavily addicted to drugs. She had been for a few years.
It's hard to think of that time in my life. Not because of any additional trauma but I think overtime my mom has taken on a mythic quality. I remember after I was raped, we left our apartment and moved in with a family member. In my mind we left all of our belongings. However, in speaking with my aunt in recent years, she stated that we didn't really have that many belongings left and didn't leave much behind. I trust her recollection of how things were since she was already an adult and not a child clinging to the good memories of a mother long gone. However, I also believe my memories have truth to them as well.
I remember my mother being a happy woman. Someone who loved her children. Someone who would do anything to try and protect them. Someone who loved music and reading. I remember walking from our house to my aunt's house singing as we walked through Claremont Park. She didn't drive and we didn't have a ton of money, so our legs were our usual mode of transportation but she always seemed to make it entertaining. A quality my sister shares; bringing joy and entertainment to her kids even doing the most mundane of tasks.
She not only entertained us but tried to also teach us as well. If you want respect, you have to earn it, Don't rush into having sex because it can result in a teen pregnancy. My mom was 18 years old when I was born and I was her youngest of 3, so she knew something about teen pregnancy. Stay in school and graduate from high school. Make sure you do what you need to do to not be dependent on a man taking care of you. She always kept it real with us and tried to impart all that she had learned in young life.
I don't remember when she became addicted to drugs but I do remember the change in her. She wasn't always as happy and sometimes she wasn't around. But when she was around, I remember her instilling that we had to go to school. We lived in a building where many of the residents were either addicted to drugs or selling drugs. Many of the children of these residents didn't always go to school and their parents didn't always care but my mom did. If she caught us not in school, she would force us to go in; regardless of the time.
That's how I see her, as always caring about the well being of her children even through the drugs. I remember a time she had $10, which I believe was the price of a bag of heroin. It was the last $10 she had, she needed a fix and there was no feed. I remember her buying an Italian bread, cold cuts, a soda and a pack of cigarettes. She had to feed at least one of her habits. That stayed with me because I felt she placed us above her addiction.
When we were placed in foster care, I remember thinking that she would fight for us and find a way to get us back. This was a little naive of me to feel, considering she was a drug addict with very little education and no place of her own. But to a 10 year old who fiercely loved her mom, she could do anything and would do anything to get us back. Unfortunately, that did not happen and here we are 27 years later.
I will never know if my memories of my mother are all through rose colored glass or if its how things happened. Maybe its somewhere in between. Some truth to what I remember but also a little fantasy as well. As I haven't seen her in many years, I don't speak of her very often. Truthfully, I don't think of her that often but in the month of May, she is at the forefront of my mind.
Do I want to see her again? Absolutely. What would I tell her? I have no clue! I think I would just want to know why she didn't come to look for us. Would I look for her? I don't know. Had you asked me 10 years ago, I would have said, yes I will look for her. But about 8 years ago, a therapist asked me if I had ever considered that she may have passed away? After all, she had been on drugs. But the truth is, No. I have NEVER considered that she may have passed away. I was just marking time until I saw her again. As the possibility of her passing away is a very real one, Id rather not look for her. To learn that she may have passed away is a little too final and I am not ready for the finality of it. I'd rather stay in limbo.
I hope that with this blog, people would feel free to ask me questions or talk about her. So many people are curious about her and what happened but out of respect for me, they don't ask. In my family, we don't really talk about her. Maybe its too painful for all of us but I think it does a disservice to her. To not talk about her is to almost forget about her and we shouldn't. She was here and deserves to be remembered. So, Happy Birthday and Happy Mother's Day Neida, wherever you are!!
As always, thank you for reading and take care!
