It has been almost a month since my little lady has passed and I feel lost. I’ve never had anyone this close to me pass away and I feel completely unprepared. Logically, I know that no one can really prepare for grief but I am completely at a loss.
For the last few months of her life, I made sure to pick her up once a week to take her out for the day. I would pick her up in the morning and bring her back to the home in the afternoon. Every week, before I left the home, I would make sure to tell her that I love her. I would then wait for her to say it back. Sometimes, she was already talking to one of the aides or looking around but I wouldn’t leave until she said it. As her ability to speak was declining, it would take her a little longer but until I heard her say, I love you in her deep husky thick accent, I would not leave. I had no idea when I dropped her of on Sunday, 11/28/21, that it would be my last time speaking to her. I am grateful that my last words to her and from her were “I love you.”
Before she passed, I would often think about how my life would change when my grandmother was no longer around. While I am not a morbid person, I think its almost inevitable to have that thought, as we grow older and our loved ones age. I knew that life would never be the same. Having had friends and family lose their loved ones, I had said all the worn out cliches: the memories will comfort you, its ok to be sad, there is no right way to grieve and the list goes on. Naively, I thought that these words and sayings would help me when my time came to grieve. But I was wrong. There is very little anyone can say or do to help me as I navigate through this painful period. Regardless of how supportive my friends and family are, this is a journey I am on alone.
Waves of sadness come out of nowhere. Tears threaten to fall whenever I catch a glimpse of her smiling face. She is really gone and I cant seem to wrap my head around it. Since she’s passed, Ive dreamt of her almost every night. The same theme: it was all a mistake and she was still alive. I cant even ask her what those dream mean. It’s like my brain won’t accept the permanence of her absence. Even though I was only able to see her a couple of times a week and barely talked to her on the phone, I miss my little lady more than I thought possible. I really did not expect to feel this pain so profoundly. My heart is broken and it feels like I will never be whole again. I will never be able to see her again or hug her or tell her that I love her.
My new therapist said there is no right way to grieve but there is a right way for me. I wish someone would tell me what that right way is because I cant see or feel it just yet.
As always, thanks for reading and take care.
