Growing up without you was difficult. I never quite felt like a complete woman. I wasn’t sure how I could be a mother. I needed your guidance and love. I had many woman who have stepped up to help mother me. Rosa tried to give us the hugs and love you would have given me. But none of them were you. They were a mom but not MY mom.
Mom, I don’t think you realize how special you were. You could light up a room by walking into it. Your smile was magnetic and inviting. You were not only physically beautiful but also beautiful on the inside. In these last few months, we’ve begun talking about you more. Rosa tells us how you were so kind hearted and forgave anyone who crossed you or betrayed you. That level of compassion is so rare nowadays, although I see it in Brenda all the time.
You were taken 11 days shy of your 29th birthday. 28 years old and already lived through more trauma and heartache than some will experience in a lifetime. Did you feel like you were always having to fight to survive? Hell, it started from when you were living with Wela. She may have been a wonderful grandmother to me but she sucked as your mom. She failed to protect you all from harm in your own home. She often sided with one of your many abusers. How that must have hurt you. My heart breaks for the child you were. You deserved a mother who would fight for you, not against you and you didn’t have that. It’s no wonder you turned to drugs for escape. I would want to escape those memories myself.
You tried so hard to protect your kids from the nightmare you lived. You warned us of strangers and tried to steer us away from danger. You showed us how much you loved us all the time. Even at your lowest, you put us first. There is no doubt in my mind how much you loved us.
I hope you know that I have never blamed you for what happened to me. For so many years, I have carried the shame of that day. I felt responsible for talking to that stranger and starting the domino effect of becoming homeless and you falling deeper into the depths of drug addiction. But I now know that it wasn’t my fault. You had already been dabbling with drugs before I was attacked. The attack just pushed you over the edge. Rosa said you never forgave yourself for what happened to me. You sent me, your young child of 7, to the store alone. But don’t you see, it wasn’t your fault either. The only person who should carry the shame and guilt of what happened to me is the rapist. He, like so many other predators, took advantage of the situation. How many times before that day had I been out alone? I cannot forgive you for something I never held you responsible for. You are not to blame.
Who might have you become if you had been given a chance to change? The chance to stop using drugs and deal with all of your trauma. You probably would have helped others to overcome their addictions. You would have been around to laugh with Brenda and I. You and Rosa would probably see yourselves in us. We would have been able to comfort one another when Wela died. There are so many ways your story could have gone.
You weren’t able to live your life to the fullest because you were taken from us. I will live mine to the fullest for both of us. I will work through the trauma to become a woman you would be proud of.
I love you mom. I loved you then and I love you more now. I will love you forever.
Love,
Millie
