Letting Go

In my last post, I discussed my mom and her absence in my life.  I typically tend to write about her around Mother's Day.  I wonder why?  

Obviously, I know why this time of year always brings her to mind.  Strangely enough, its one of few times that I actively think about her.  As I go through my days, I rarely think of the woman who gave me life.  I've even said a time or two, that to have a mother is foreign for me.  I've been without one for so long.

Some might think that my not thinking of her means that I am "over" her and the abandonment.  As a matter of fact, I was one who thought that way.  I'm an adult.  She left when I was a child.  I persevered and grew up without her.  This must mean that I am no longer affected by her absence.  I didn't realize how wrong I was.

The fact is I don't think of her that often because it hurts to think of her.  It hurts to remember that I once had a mom who, I know without a doubt, loved her kids.  A mom who tried to give us all that she had, although it was barely anything.  A mom who even in the throes of her drug abuse, still managed to make me feel loved and safe.  A mom who I adored and loved with all that I had.  I was only 10 years old when I last saw her and in many ways, I am still that same little girl.

My memories of my mom have faded with time and I am sure I have re-imagined life with her as a way to cope with not having her.  Funny enough, I never say I lost my mom.  I just think of her as not being her now.  My husband has asked me if I want to look for her and my answer is a quick no.  That might be shocking to read.  Why would I not want to look for this woman, whom I obviously loved and have missed throughout all of the years?  Why wouldn't I want answers?

Honestly, I do want answers.  But to look for her now, would mean that I have to be ready for what I might find.  I may have to finally acknowledge that she is permanently gone from my life.  No more counting how long it's been since I've seen her.  She would just be gone.  Until now, I didn't think I was ready for that.

However, I think its time I face that fear and begin the process of letting go of her. It's time that I mourn her loss and accept that she may never come back.  We may never be united.  I may never know what happened to her.  That's a bitter pill to swallow because I want answers and frankly, I  deserve them.  As anyone who has experienced grief knows, sometimes we don't get answers we need and we have to make peace with it.

I don't know to begin to let her go.  Maybe it will start with this post. Maybe by talking about her with my family.  Maybe by remembering both the positive and negative sides of her and finally admitting to myself that she was flesh and blood, who like everyone, made many mistakes.  I hope that I can let go of the hurt and anger that I feel towards her.  Keep her alive in my heart and not trapped in my head as a confused memory.

As always, thank you for reading and take care!!

  

Mother's Day

"Saying goodbye is never an easy thing..But you never said, that you'd stay forever. So if you must go, oh, darling I set you free. But I know in time, that we'll be together. I won't try to stop you now from leaving, 'Cause in my heart I know

Love will lead you back. Someday I just know that love will lead you back to my arms where you belong. I'm sure, sure as stars are shining, one day you will find me again, it won't be long, one of these days our love will lead you back.

One of these nights, ooh, I'll hear your voice again. You're gonna say Ooh, how much you missed me. You'll walk out this door But someday you'll walk back in and darling I know, ooh I know this will be Sometimes it takes some time you on your own now to find your way back home"

These lyrics are from Taylor Dayne's Love Will Lead You Back. This is the song I was singing the first night I was in foster care and my mom had to leave my sister and I. I remember singing this to her in my mind, as we cried ourselves to sleep. Hearing this song, 28 years later, is just as painful. I really thought my mom would be back. Her love for us was so strong and big, there would be no way she would just leave us.

The first couple of months, she would come by. She knew that the sperm donor's mother hated her but she would endure her looks just so we could have a visit in the hallway. I loved seeing my mom. She really was the light of my life. I longed for the day we would leave that apartment and be reunited with her. I thought it was only a matter of time before that day would come. On the last day she came to see us, as she was leaving, she said, "I'll see you tomorrow." I'm still waiting for tomorrow.

It has been 28 years since that day and I can honestly say that I don't think of my mom that often but in May, she is always on my mind. The last time I saw her was in May. Her birthday is in May. Mother's Day is in May. This year, her birthday and Mother's Day, is the same day. Double whammy!!

In past years, I post about how inspired I am on Mother's Day and revel in seeing all the wonderful posts celebrating all the amazing moms out there. I have been blessed to have some wonderful women step in and mother and nurture me throughout these years. For that I am grateful but none of them were Neida. She's the one who gave birth to me and the one who should have been there and she wasn't.

Whenever I am asked about her, I always praise her strength and talk about the love I felt for and from her. Somehow it feels disloyal to talk about my anger towards her. I don't want anyone to think ill of her and want to keep all of my wonderful memories of her intact. What would it say if I talked about how her absence affected me? Will it take away from all those who have loved me?

The truth is that while I don't think of her daily, her absence affects me daily. I feel like I am somehow unwhole. As if I am missing a piece of myself. I don't feel like a complete woman and if I am being completely real, it's the reason why if I am blessed to have kids, I don't want a girl. How can I help a little girl become a woman, if I don't know myself. Maybe its why I haven't tried hard to have kids. What kind of mother would I be?

I don't know if she is alive. Until about 9 years ago, I never thought she could be dead. In my mind, I was just marking the time until I saw her again. The first therapist who helped me, asked me if I thought my mom could be dead and I was floored. I had never even contemplated that. Truthfully, she may very well be deceased, after all, she was heavily involved in drugs at the time and unless she got clean, there's no longevity in that lifestyle. I hope that's not the case but I now see that it's a possibility.

Do I want to see her? Yes! What would I say to her? I have no clue. I would hope that she would be proud of me and the woman I have become. I hope that she would look past my weight and see me as an accomplished woman whom she gave a strong foundation to but who also had to overcome a lot of adversity because of the abandonment.

Mother's Day will always be a day to celebrate and acknowledge the wonderful women in my life. My sister, my aunt, mentors, teachers and friends have all had a hand in nurturing me and my growth. I celebrate them today and everyday. My mom, was also, one of those women. Unfortunately, her involvement was just shorter than the rest.

As always, thank you for reading and take care.