I'm back!!

So,  I have been thinking a lot about my life and about all of the progress I have made in the last few years.  I decided that it would be nice to start writing in this blog again.  It gives me a forum to express what I am going through.  As I prepared to start writing again, I decided to read my previous posts and I have to say, I was overwhelmed by my emotions.  The amount of love I received from so many people was amazing.  I felt it then but especially feel it now.  It reaffirmed for me why restarting the blog was a great idea!!

For those who dont know, I started blogging three years ago when I went to a weight loss center in North Carolina.  I felt it was a great way to connect with my loved ones back at home and to keep everyone abreast of my progress.  When I was in the center, it was easy to blog.  I was in a positive place and excited about my future.  When I got home after 4 weeks, the real world hit me like a ton of bricks and I slowly gave up on the blogging, as I was slowly giving up on myself.  My aunt continously asked me to restart writing and I obliged her by writing an entry in November but that was a very sad post.  I was feeling like a huge disappointment- I disappointed myself, my job, my friends and my family...or so I thought...I didnt give the blog another thought over the last few years until now.

Last year was an interesting year for me.  I moved in with my honey's parents and began OVERINDULGING in all my favorite foods.  I was in a job I hated and in a new environment.  I didnt realize it but I was on a downward spiral.  Slowly, I started putting on weight but denied it to myself.  I thought, oh its just a few pounds and I could lose it easily.  This frame of mind continued until January, when we went out to celebrate Elio's birthday.  NOTHING fit!!! I was soooo frustrated and soooo angry with myself!! I had to buy an outfit that was 1 size bigger than my largest size.  I knew I had to do something but was very reluctant.  Then I saw some pictures from that night on FB and I wanted to cry.  My face was HUGE!!

Over the next few weeks, I decided to join Weight Watchers because it was a plan that had always worked for me.  The day I had to weigh in, I did so with a heavy heart.  I really didnt want to face reality.  When my lead, Susan, wrote down my weight, my heart DROPPED.  I had put on over 30 lbs and was 23 lbs heavier than my previous high!! How did I let this happen??  My lead told me something that really started me on my new weight loss journey.  She said, "You dont have to be perfect.  Just start by tracking everything you eat, even if you dont follow the program."  Well, that first line stuck with me.  I dont have to be perfect, I just have to do my best and take an active interest in my health and well being. 

That was 15 weeks ago and I am soo proud to say I have lost 45 lbs!!  This is the first time I can say that I am proud of myself.  I am working hard and making sure to stay on track.  In the first month or so, I took it meal by meal because if not, I would get overwhelmed.  I now take it day by day! For the first time, I have been on track for over 3 months and have not "slipped" at all.  I know there may come a time where I slip and I will not beat myself up over it.  I am human and dont have to be perfect. 

This was a long post but I plan to write more often!!  I hope you enjoyed reading.  If you feel like sharing any thoughts, encouragement or positive energy, please leave a comment.

As always, thanks for reading and take care!! :-)

Lost

I have been gone from the blogging world for about 5 months and I dont know why I am back. I have definitely have had an interesting year so far. I cant believe we are almost done with this year. Sometimes I look back and wonder if I have made progress and other times I know I have. I remember starting this year so excited because I was going to Structure House and I thought that it would hold ALL the answers to why I have such a hard time losing weight. Everyone was so supportive when I left and I felt encouraged because I thought that I was finally doing something for me and that it would be successful. Well...while I think that I may have succeeded in some ways..I still have yet to succeed on the weight loss front. I feel as if I let people down because so many people believed in me and I am still at where I was when I originally left 10 months ago. Its hard for people to see the progress I am making as a person because its not physical.
If Structure house taught me anything it was that I need a lot of therapy. Not many people know the full story of my life and its because I dont talk much about it. I answer any questions that people ask me but I dont volunteer any information. Most people have no idea that when I was 7, I was raped by a stranger. Or that the last time I saw my mother, I was 10 years old. I thought I had dealt with all the emotional baggage that comes from those two traumatic events but I clearly havent. I am now dealing with this because of my trip to Structure House. Thats HUGE progress to me...
Still, I cant help but feel that I have been a disappointment to all those who follow my weight loss. Part of me wants to tell people to mind their business because I know that I am working on me but I have invited people on my journey and cant get mad when they want to know about it.
Today I am feeling BLAH...I feel apathetic and its because today was a therapy session and my mom came up again...how does a woman who has not been in my life for almost 20 years, still cause so much pain?? I will be writing more and it might get personal....if that bothers some people...I suggest you not read it...
anyways...thats it for now...talk more soon...

As always, thank you for reading and take care...

Its been awhile

Well..its been awhile since I have blogged. Suffice it to say..my journey has been an interesting one..filled with the expected ups and downs of any journey...Some people have asked me about the blog and when I was planning to write again...its funny..I dont think anyone ever asked me why I stopped...but I will share...

When I got back from Structure House, I was so motivated to stay on track and be one of those people who succeeded..I was determined to prove my therapist wrong...she had warned me when I left..saying that I would not succeed if I didnt continue seeing a therapist...well..lo and behold..she was right...Many people dont know a lot about my past and how traumatic it was...I actually suffer from a mild form of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)...My way of coping with this trauma was to suppress it and not think about the all the feelings that come with it.. well...this method of coping is one of the reasons why I had to go to Structure House in the first place... I tend to avoid anything not pleasant or anything I am ashamed of... anyways... when I got back from my stay, I had Brenda's wedding (Which was AMAZING) and things got hectic...I let myself use that as an excuse to fall of the wagon...I got really busy and just didnt focus as much as I could have.. I felt myself slipping but couldnt quite stop myself...Then I felt ashamed and disappointed because my company had spent so much money sending me to this place and it was all a waste...

I started seeing a therapist again and have been now for about 3 months...what I realize now is that although I have not continued losing weight, my stay was NOT a waste...it was there that I realized the importance of therapy and just how much I needed to overcome and just how hard it is... I wrote to my therapist at Structure House and shared my feelings of failure and she responded and said I am not failing because I am learning how to take care of myself and doing what I need to do to overcome the past... see for the last 20 years Ive though that I overcame things because I survived them...but I am realizing that I need to heal from them...surviving all in itself is something to be proud of but if I never deal with the actual feelings surrounding the events, I will never heal... So..I am starting my healing process...

Its funny because my blog is called journey to a healthy jackie and losing weight to find myself and that couldnt be more true...I might blog more in the near future..and while it wont always be about weight loss..it will always be true to me...it might get personal and uncomfortable but I am doing what I need to do...

anyways..I know this is a lot of rambling (as is my style!! ) and random info..but just wanted to let you know where Ive been...

Thanks for reading and take care!!

Fell off the wagon but I am back on!!

Week 2 at home...this week was interesting. I started the week off by eating JUNK! At first I was going to be unstructured just for dinner on Valentine's day because I wanted to go out with my honey and not worry about anything. Well..it was a mini spiral after that..I figured..we are going out for dinner..I could have some coffee before then....well..a donut went with the coffee... TROUBLE!! After dinner, I came home and had some cookies...YUM!! Now, in my mind, I thought...well, I will go back to my structured life first thing on Sunday...

Sunday morning..I wake up and I am not motivated to do anything!! It wasnt even morning..I woke up at 11 because Elio and I had gone to bed after 3 AM! So I decided...I am just going to have a reasonable lunch and then get back to my structure. Not so... that day for lunch I met up with Brenda and Ed and where did we eat? JOHNNY ROCKETS!! The hamburgers were PURE grease...now I am feeling sick and what do I do..eat a cinnabon that night!! I realize that I could have made different choices but I didnt. Ok..so Monday I will be back on..no problem!

Monday morning...I woke up late again because I was exhausted the day before...so I thought lunch..I am back on to my plan..not to be... I went out with my friend and ended up having Panera Bread!! It was sooo good..then we went to the movies and I gave into my mental temptation of POPCORN!! Dinner time rolls around and I made a pizza for Elio and I. We then had some more cookies (which were AMAZING!!) Tuesday was going to have to be my "back to structure" day!!

Tuesday....I GOT BACK ON TRACK!! I went back to my structured eating and have been doing so for the remainder of week. While I was being unstructured, I still continued to weigh myself every day and I could see the numbers go up (lots of salt/sodium in processed foods).... Now that I am back on my plan, they started coming down again.. I am happy to be back on track with my food and realize that a 3 day eating spree is NOT something I am proud of but it stopped after 3 days and didnt continue. I also continued some other good habits, so I didnt sabotage myself too much!!

Moral of this blog: When you fall off the wagon, drag yourself back on!!

Thanks for reading and take care!!

First week at home!

Ok...so I havent written in awhile....I got home on Saturday and it has been a little wierd getting back to the real world. I wanted to come home and see my honey and my family so bad, that I didnt really think about how hard it would be when i came home to implement all the changes. Structure House is wonderful and provides a safe haven. All the meals are prepared there and the gym is right there when you need it. Classes are spreadout throughout the day and there is free time to allow you to work out in the day as well. The most complicated part of the meal planning was circling what you wanted off the menu for the following week. When I was in NC, I thought, this may be hard but I can definitely adopt this at home....

I got home and OMG!! haha..It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I spent hours on Sunday going through the recipes to determine what I was going to make for the week...I then spent another hour or so writing my lists for shopping...then another 2 hours or so actually food shopping!! I felt like thats all I did on Sunday and Monday...then to actually plan 3 meals a day from the top of my head that are nutrionally balanced..WOW...thats a LOT harder..haha..but I have been managing to do it..I have not been perfect since I have been home but I have been structured for about 75% of the time. I am pretty proud of myself and my honey because we have actually incorporated exercise at home. He is joining me on this journey and that makes me a happy camper!

So..yes I will keep this blog and keep you aware of my journey....

Thanks for reading and take care!!

Almost time to go home!

Well..I am almost at the end of my stay here and I am very excited to be going home. I have learned so much here; not only about food and diet but also about myself. I am not sure many people know this about me but that have been times that I have wanted to disappear and just go into a black hole somewhere for about 6 months. I know this is a long time but that was usually when I was at my lowest. So..coming here was my way of disappearing for 4 weeks. I came all alone and was able to embark on my journey... I definitely feel as if I am stronger now and can conquer this weight issue. Ive thought a lot about my weight while here and I realized that I have been heavy my entire adult life and have battled weight issues this entire time. However, I also now know that its not just an issue about food or even overindulging in food. There are so much other factors involved with overeating and the abuse of food, especially when food is viewed as a reward. Coming to Structure House has helped me open my eyes to issues or factors I had been ignoring. Because I am seeing them now, I feel I can address them. In addressing them, I feel I will be able to adhere to my new food plan..

I was talking to the front desk, Jen and Juan, and I was talking about my excitement regarding home and they said the nicest thing. Juan said that I was a delight and they would miss me. Jen said that there are people that they see and fear about their success at home but I am one of those people who she knows will do well at home. That felt good to hear because that is how I feel. So many people have told me that they believe in me. For the first time in a long time, I believe in me. I think that I may have finally turned the corner and am ready to walk down a new street. The path ahead of me is one that will be difficult at times and I know that I will want to quit but I wont. I intend to use the next few days here to continue to soak up as much information as I can. After all, who knows when I will have the opportunity to return!

As always, thanks for reading and take care!

3 weeks and 3 miles

I am in pain today!! I decided yesterday to challenge myself and go on a very hilly walk. Its called the Duke Trail and its a 3.2 mile walk with a few big hills and small hills around the track. I decided that before I leave, I would take the challenge and walk the hill. I remember back to my first walk here at Structure House and it was a very flat 2 mile...I thought I was going to die then. Then I did the same walk two weeks later and it was a lot easier that time... I have been working out since I have been here and felt I could mentally take on the walk. I told my group here that I was going to do this and out of 4 people, only 1 made me feel like I could not make it. He was on that first walk with me and I guess felt that I was not going to be able to handle the intensity of this trail. Anyways...I decided this was it and I was going to go on the walk... So I woke up first thing yesterday morning..EXHAUSTED because I had a late night before hand but I refused to back out of my challenge...I ate breakfast and waited at the bus for us to take off. There were a total of 4 people: Nancy (a fitness instructor and also the driver) , Kim and Chris. Chris is in my group and was there to support me. So off we go...

When we got to the trail, I saw lots of cars parked and many people begin and ending their walk. I started at the same pace as Nancy. Now..Nancy is a fitness queen and set a pretty fast power walking. I was proud because I was keeping up with her...well..that is until this giant hill crept up on us... I climbed the hill slowly laggin behind Nancy.. at this point, Chris was behind us and Kim had jogged ahead (yes..JOGGED!!). We continue to walk and I am feeling the burn and am keeping pace with this Nancy..she was talking and all I could think was..I cant waste any breaths on talking...so I just nodded and gave one word answers...about 1/3 of the way..I am slowing down...I felt like I just couldnt catch my breath...so I started walking with Chris and even slowed behind him a little... At one point, I just bent down and tried to catch as much air as possible. Chris waited for me and he and I walked at a little slower rate. Nancy had long passed us but we continued walking and talking. Chris was able to keep me motivated and take my mind off the burning and nausea... When I got back to the bus, everyone had congratulated me because it was my first time walking the trail..

I felt very triumphant that I had walked the trail and survived! Chris pointed out something to me on our walking...we were significantly heavier than a lot of the other people on this trail.. yet we were able to complete it as well...when I thought of it..I realized he was right. How many times have we judged ourselves and felt disappointment because we feel like we dont measure up with other people. So often we fail to look at things objectively. For example, I was the heaviest one on this trail. Everyone else was at least 50 lbs smaller than I am... so for me to expect myself to walk at their pace and be ok was unrealistic....so I did it at my time and was able to SUCCEED!! YES!!

Like Brenda said... 2 miles in 2 weeks...and 3 miles in 3 weeks!! This is my 4th week but I dont expect to walk the 4 miles- haha.. we'll see!!

As always..thanks for reading and take care!