As I continue on my journey, a question that is constantly coming up is why is this weight loss journey different from all of my previous ones??? Why am I doing so well with Weight Watchers?? Variations of the same question are being thrown at me. I can honestly say that there is no easy answer to this question.
I know I mentioned in a previous post why I decided to rejoin WW and I think I may have even mentioned how I was dragging my feet. The truth is I was tired of having to "diet." Why cant I just eat what I want?? Maybe I am meant to be a heavier person. Who cares if I am heavy? Well, the truth was that I cared. Deep down I knew that it was important for me to make changes. I kept making excuses because I was scared of failing again. Over the last 14 years, I have joined and quit WW over 5 times. I really didnt think that I could succeed long term, so I didnt even want to try. However, when I weighed in and saw how far I had let myself go, I knew I didnt have an option. Hence, the journey started again.
My weight on February 22, 2012, is one of the main reasons that I recommitted to the plan. For years, I hovered around the same weight. I would lose weight, gain weight, lose and gain again but it always remained about the same. When I saw that I was 24.8 lbs MORE than that previous weight, it floored me. If I had weighed in at the same weight I always hovered around, I am not so sure I would have taken it seriously because it would have been doing the same thing I had always done. But at that weight, things had to change!
Another reason why this time is different for me is my therapist. I have been seeing the same therapist since I returned from Structure House 3 years ago and she had documented my struggle with weight and weight loss. When I told her how much I weighed and confessed how scared I was that I would not be able to succeed, she told me something that I still carry with me. She said, "relapse is a part of recovery." She explained how even addicts relapse a few times before staying on the path recovery. She also mentioned that I needed to be nicer to myself and cut myself a break. She echoed what my therapist at SH had said to me, "if someone walked behind you whispering the things you tell yourself, you would probably tell them to knock it off." Of course, they are both right. I am my own worst enemy, as I am sure many of us are.
The last main reason that this time is different is because of Susan. She is the lead of my WW meetings. As I said in my previous post, the one thing she said was, "you dont have to be perfect." She gave me the ok to fail. As weird as that seems, it is important to recognize that from the get go. This in connection with trying to be nice to myself is key to my success. I have taken all judgement out of the food process. If I want to have a cheeseburger, thats fine. I can do so. I just need to pre plan and make sure I am making better choices throughout the day to account for that. If for whatever reason, I have an off day and want to eat beyond the allotted daily points, I could always go into the weekly flex points in the WW program. See with WW, there is no reason that I have to eat "bad." Its all about my choices.
In the beginning, I took it meal by meal. I made better food choices at each meal. As the weight began to come off, I realized I was slightly gaining control over my eating. I began to take it day by day. Incorporating WW into my life became easier and I could see myself doing it long term. I have now been on it almost 4 months, the longest span for me. I have also lost the most I have ever lost with any plan. I no longer berate or belittle myself by reminding myself that I was also the heaviest Id been. I focus on the positive. To avoid becoming overwhelmed, I set small goals. As I accomplish them, it motivates me to continue. I am .4 lbs away from accomplishing one goal and 1.6 away from accomplishing another and I feel great!! :-)
Thanks for reading and take care!! =)
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Nurture
As I posted in my last blog, I was sick this whole weekend!! My honey, Elio, usually takes care of me. However, he had to work this weekend, so my plan was to come home and just sleep the weekend away. I remember on my drive home from work, I was thinking that it would be nice to have some soup but I didnt have any energy to stop at the store.
Well, when I got home, Elio's mom asked me how I was feeling and said she was going to make me some soup but I had picked up a sandwich. She instead made me a delicious tea to help with the cold. After I woke up from a nap, she made me some soup. She made sure to bring it to my bed room and make sure that I had everything I need. She did the same thing the following day. Made me a pot of tea and a pot of soup. The soup was delicious and I was grateful.
The kind gesture had me thinking about the fact that my mom is not around. She has not been around for over 20 years. Most of the time I am ok with this. I did ok with the hand I was dealt. I was blessed to have my sister in my life, every step of the away!!! She, along with my aunt, Rosa and my grandmother, made sure I rarely felt the absence of my mom. However, times like when I am sick, I am reminded of that missing part of my life.
It makes one feel love to be fussed over and taken care of. To know that Lidia was making me soup and tea, made me feel nurtured. I was also blessed to have my sister and Elio text me throughout the day to check on my status. I never felt alone and that was wonderful.
As always, thanks for reading and take care!
Well, when I got home, Elio's mom asked me how I was feeling and said she was going to make me some soup but I had picked up a sandwich. She instead made me a delicious tea to help with the cold. After I woke up from a nap, she made me some soup. She made sure to bring it to my bed room and make sure that I had everything I need. She did the same thing the following day. Made me a pot of tea and a pot of soup. The soup was delicious and I was grateful.
The kind gesture had me thinking about the fact that my mom is not around. She has not been around for over 20 years. Most of the time I am ok with this. I did ok with the hand I was dealt. I was blessed to have my sister in my life, every step of the away!!! She, along with my aunt, Rosa and my grandmother, made sure I rarely felt the absence of my mom. However, times like when I am sick, I am reminded of that missing part of my life.
It makes one feel love to be fussed over and taken care of. To know that Lidia was making me soup and tea, made me feel nurtured. I was also blessed to have my sister and Elio text me throughout the day to check on my status. I never felt alone and that was wonderful.
As always, thanks for reading and take care!
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Summer colds suck!!
So, at the start of the week, I was super excited about the weekend. It was going to be GORGEOUS out and I had a birthday party for my good friend's daughter and then going out afterward to hang out with other good friends. As the weekend drew near, I found myself a little more tired and out of it. I thought it was just boredom at work... well on Thursday, it hit me. I MIGHT BE GETTING SICK! It was either I was catching a cold or the allergies were affecting me. I PRAYED that it was allergies because then I could get on the right medicines but after Thursday night, I knew it was a cold. I went to sleep at 9 PM and woke up at 10:30, 10:45, 12:00, 2:15 and could not get back to sleep until 4 AM, woke up again at 5:15, before finally waking up for work at 6! Once at work, I went to the medical department and the nurse looked in my ear and said there was fluid, looked at my tongue and said it was definitely a cold and then looked in my nose and said my nasal passage was inflammed. This stinks!! I stayed at work until 12 and then went home to get some rest.
When I came home, I laid down and slept for 2 and 1/2 hours. Elio's mom then made me a delicious cup of tea and I found myself asking what was in it because I worried about the points. She then made me Lipton soup and I looked at the package to make sure I stayed within my points. It then hit me...is this a good or bad thing that even when I am feeling my worse, I am still worried about points and making sure I dont go over. First thing this morning, I looked up the soup value and entered it online. I tracked yesterday's points to make sure everything was up to date. You see, I am scared that if I dont track now, I will get into the habit of not tracking and will come off the successful path that I started back in February.
That must be a huge fear for anyone who has lost weight. The fear of gaining it back!! Studies show that when you gain the weight, you usually gain more than what you lost! I am certainly proof of that! But should I cut myself a break because I am sick? I dont think so. I think as long as I can continue to track and stay on track, the better it is. After all, when I dont track, I only hurt myself! I am going to go lay back down now and try to get some sleep... I might be back later.
Thanks for reading and take care! :-)
When I came home, I laid down and slept for 2 and 1/2 hours. Elio's mom then made me a delicious cup of tea and I found myself asking what was in it because I worried about the points. She then made me Lipton soup and I looked at the package to make sure I stayed within my points. It then hit me...is this a good or bad thing that even when I am feeling my worse, I am still worried about points and making sure I dont go over. First thing this morning, I looked up the soup value and entered it online. I tracked yesterday's points to make sure everything was up to date. You see, I am scared that if I dont track now, I will get into the habit of not tracking and will come off the successful path that I started back in February.
That must be a huge fear for anyone who has lost weight. The fear of gaining it back!! Studies show that when you gain the weight, you usually gain more than what you lost! I am certainly proof of that! But should I cut myself a break because I am sick? I dont think so. I think as long as I can continue to track and stay on track, the better it is. After all, when I dont track, I only hurt myself! I am going to go lay back down now and try to get some sleep... I might be back later.
Thanks for reading and take care! :-)
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
I'm back!!
So, I have been thinking a lot about my life and about all of the progress I have made in the last few years. I decided that it would be nice to start writing in this blog again. It gives me a forum to express what I am going through. As I prepared to start writing again, I decided to read my previous posts and I have to say, I was overwhelmed by my emotions. The amount of love I received from so many people was amazing. I felt it then but especially feel it now. It reaffirmed for me why restarting the blog was a great idea!!
For those who dont know, I started blogging three years ago when I went to a weight loss center in North Carolina. I felt it was a great way to connect with my loved ones back at home and to keep everyone abreast of my progress. When I was in the center, it was easy to blog. I was in a positive place and excited about my future. When I got home after 4 weeks, the real world hit me like a ton of bricks and I slowly gave up on the blogging, as I was slowly giving up on myself. My aunt continously asked me to restart writing and I obliged her by writing an entry in November but that was a very sad post. I was feeling like a huge disappointment- I disappointed myself, my job, my friends and my family...or so I thought...I didnt give the blog another thought over the last few years until now.
Last year was an interesting year for me. I moved in with my honey's parents and began OVERINDULGING in all my favorite foods. I was in a job I hated and in a new environment. I didnt realize it but I was on a downward spiral. Slowly, I started putting on weight but denied it to myself. I thought, oh its just a few pounds and I could lose it easily. This frame of mind continued until January, when we went out to celebrate Elio's birthday. NOTHING fit!!! I was soooo frustrated and soooo angry with myself!! I had to buy an outfit that was 1 size bigger than my largest size. I knew I had to do something but was very reluctant. Then I saw some pictures from that night on FB and I wanted to cry. My face was HUGE!!
Over the next few weeks, I decided to join Weight Watchers because it was a plan that had always worked for me. The day I had to weigh in, I did so with a heavy heart. I really didnt want to face reality. When my lead, Susan, wrote down my weight, my heart DROPPED. I had put on over 30 lbs and was 23 lbs heavier than my previous high!! How did I let this happen?? My lead told me something that really started me on my new weight loss journey. She said, "You dont have to be perfect. Just start by tracking everything you eat, even if you dont follow the program." Well, that first line stuck with me. I dont have to be perfect, I just have to do my best and take an active interest in my health and well being.
That was 15 weeks ago and I am soo proud to say I have lost 45 lbs!! This is the first time I can say that I am proud of myself. I am working hard and making sure to stay on track. In the first month or so, I took it meal by meal because if not, I would get overwhelmed. I now take it day by day! For the first time, I have been on track for over 3 months and have not "slipped" at all. I know there may come a time where I slip and I will not beat myself up over it. I am human and dont have to be perfect.
This was a long post but I plan to write more often!! I hope you enjoyed reading. If you feel like sharing any thoughts, encouragement or positive energy, please leave a comment.
As always, thanks for reading and take care!! :-)
For those who dont know, I started blogging three years ago when I went to a weight loss center in North Carolina. I felt it was a great way to connect with my loved ones back at home and to keep everyone abreast of my progress. When I was in the center, it was easy to blog. I was in a positive place and excited about my future. When I got home after 4 weeks, the real world hit me like a ton of bricks and I slowly gave up on the blogging, as I was slowly giving up on myself. My aunt continously asked me to restart writing and I obliged her by writing an entry in November but that was a very sad post. I was feeling like a huge disappointment- I disappointed myself, my job, my friends and my family...or so I thought...I didnt give the blog another thought over the last few years until now.
Last year was an interesting year for me. I moved in with my honey's parents and began OVERINDULGING in all my favorite foods. I was in a job I hated and in a new environment. I didnt realize it but I was on a downward spiral. Slowly, I started putting on weight but denied it to myself. I thought, oh its just a few pounds and I could lose it easily. This frame of mind continued until January, when we went out to celebrate Elio's birthday. NOTHING fit!!! I was soooo frustrated and soooo angry with myself!! I had to buy an outfit that was 1 size bigger than my largest size. I knew I had to do something but was very reluctant. Then I saw some pictures from that night on FB and I wanted to cry. My face was HUGE!!
Over the next few weeks, I decided to join Weight Watchers because it was a plan that had always worked for me. The day I had to weigh in, I did so with a heavy heart. I really didnt want to face reality. When my lead, Susan, wrote down my weight, my heart DROPPED. I had put on over 30 lbs and was 23 lbs heavier than my previous high!! How did I let this happen?? My lead told me something that really started me on my new weight loss journey. She said, "You dont have to be perfect. Just start by tracking everything you eat, even if you dont follow the program." Well, that first line stuck with me. I dont have to be perfect, I just have to do my best and take an active interest in my health and well being.
That was 15 weeks ago and I am soo proud to say I have lost 45 lbs!! This is the first time I can say that I am proud of myself. I am working hard and making sure to stay on track. In the first month or so, I took it meal by meal because if not, I would get overwhelmed. I now take it day by day! For the first time, I have been on track for over 3 months and have not "slipped" at all. I know there may come a time where I slip and I will not beat myself up over it. I am human and dont have to be perfect.
This was a long post but I plan to write more often!! I hope you enjoyed reading. If you feel like sharing any thoughts, encouragement or positive energy, please leave a comment.
As always, thanks for reading and take care!! :-)
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Lost
I have been gone from the blogging world for about 5 months and I dont know why I am back. I have definitely have had an interesting year so far. I cant believe we are almost done with this year. Sometimes I look back and wonder if I have made progress and other times I know I have. I remember starting this year so excited because I was going to Structure House and I thought that it would hold ALL the answers to why I have such a hard time losing weight. Everyone was so supportive when I left and I felt encouraged because I thought that I was finally doing something for me and that it would be successful. Well...while I think that I may have succeeded in some ways..I still have yet to succeed on the weight loss front. I feel as if I let people down because so many people believed in me and I am still at where I was when I originally left 10 months ago. Its hard for people to see the progress I am making as a person because its not physical.
If Structure house taught me anything it was that I need a lot of therapy. Not many people know the full story of my life and its because I dont talk much about it. I answer any questions that people ask me but I dont volunteer any information. Most people have no idea that when I was 7, I was raped by a stranger. Or that the last time I saw my mother, I was 10 years old. I thought I had dealt with all the emotional baggage that comes from those two traumatic events but I clearly havent. I am now dealing with this because of my trip to Structure House. Thats HUGE progress to me...
Still, I cant help but feel that I have been a disappointment to all those who follow my weight loss. Part of me wants to tell people to mind their business because I know that I am working on me but I have invited people on my journey and cant get mad when they want to know about it.
Today I am feeling BLAH...I feel apathetic and its because today was a therapy session and my mom came up again...how does a woman who has not been in my life for almost 20 years, still cause so much pain?? I will be writing more and it might get personal....if that bothers some people...I suggest you not read it...
anyways...thats it for now...talk more soon...
As always, thank you for reading and take care...
If Structure house taught me anything it was that I need a lot of therapy. Not many people know the full story of my life and its because I dont talk much about it. I answer any questions that people ask me but I dont volunteer any information. Most people have no idea that when I was 7, I was raped by a stranger. Or that the last time I saw my mother, I was 10 years old. I thought I had dealt with all the emotional baggage that comes from those two traumatic events but I clearly havent. I am now dealing with this because of my trip to Structure House. Thats HUGE progress to me...
Still, I cant help but feel that I have been a disappointment to all those who follow my weight loss. Part of me wants to tell people to mind their business because I know that I am working on me but I have invited people on my journey and cant get mad when they want to know about it.
Today I am feeling BLAH...I feel apathetic and its because today was a therapy session and my mom came up again...how does a woman who has not been in my life for almost 20 years, still cause so much pain?? I will be writing more and it might get personal....if that bothers some people...I suggest you not read it...
anyways...thats it for now...talk more soon...
As always, thank you for reading and take care...
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Its been awhile
Well..its been awhile since I have blogged. Suffice it to say..my journey has been an interesting one..filled with the expected ups and downs of any journey...Some people have asked me about the blog and when I was planning to write again...its funny..I dont think anyone ever asked me why I stopped...but I will share...
When I got back from Structure House, I was so motivated to stay on track and be one of those people who succeeded..I was determined to prove my therapist wrong...she had warned me when I left..saying that I would not succeed if I didnt continue seeing a therapist...well..lo and behold..she was right...Many people dont know a lot about my past and how traumatic it was...I actually suffer from a mild form of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)...My way of coping with this trauma was to suppress it and not think about the all the feelings that come with it.. well...this method of coping is one of the reasons why I had to go to Structure House in the first place... I tend to avoid anything not pleasant or anything I am ashamed of... anyways... when I got back from my stay, I had Brenda's wedding (Which was AMAZING) and things got hectic...I let myself use that as an excuse to fall of the wagon...I got really busy and just didnt focus as much as I could have.. I felt myself slipping but couldnt quite stop myself...Then I felt ashamed and disappointed because my company had spent so much money sending me to this place and it was all a waste...
I started seeing a therapist again and have been now for about 3 months...what I realize now is that although I have not continued losing weight, my stay was NOT a waste...it was there that I realized the importance of therapy and just how much I needed to overcome and just how hard it is... I wrote to my therapist at Structure House and shared my feelings of failure and she responded and said I am not failing because I am learning how to take care of myself and doing what I need to do to overcome the past... see for the last 20 years Ive though that I overcame things because I survived them...but I am realizing that I need to heal from them...surviving all in itself is something to be proud of but if I never deal with the actual feelings surrounding the events, I will never heal... So..I am starting my healing process...
Its funny because my blog is called journey to a healthy jackie and losing weight to find myself and that couldnt be more true...I might blog more in the near future..and while it wont always be about weight loss..it will always be true to me...it might get personal and uncomfortable but I am doing what I need to do...
anyways..I know this is a lot of rambling (as is my style!! ) and random info..but just wanted to let you know where Ive been...
Thanks for reading and take care!!
When I got back from Structure House, I was so motivated to stay on track and be one of those people who succeeded..I was determined to prove my therapist wrong...she had warned me when I left..saying that I would not succeed if I didnt continue seeing a therapist...well..lo and behold..she was right...Many people dont know a lot about my past and how traumatic it was...I actually suffer from a mild form of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)...My way of coping with this trauma was to suppress it and not think about the all the feelings that come with it.. well...this method of coping is one of the reasons why I had to go to Structure House in the first place... I tend to avoid anything not pleasant or anything I am ashamed of... anyways... when I got back from my stay, I had Brenda's wedding (Which was AMAZING) and things got hectic...I let myself use that as an excuse to fall of the wagon...I got really busy and just didnt focus as much as I could have.. I felt myself slipping but couldnt quite stop myself...Then I felt ashamed and disappointed because my company had spent so much money sending me to this place and it was all a waste...
I started seeing a therapist again and have been now for about 3 months...what I realize now is that although I have not continued losing weight, my stay was NOT a waste...it was there that I realized the importance of therapy and just how much I needed to overcome and just how hard it is... I wrote to my therapist at Structure House and shared my feelings of failure and she responded and said I am not failing because I am learning how to take care of myself and doing what I need to do to overcome the past... see for the last 20 years Ive though that I overcame things because I survived them...but I am realizing that I need to heal from them...surviving all in itself is something to be proud of but if I never deal with the actual feelings surrounding the events, I will never heal... So..I am starting my healing process...
Its funny because my blog is called journey to a healthy jackie and losing weight to find myself and that couldnt be more true...I might blog more in the near future..and while it wont always be about weight loss..it will always be true to me...it might get personal and uncomfortable but I am doing what I need to do...
anyways..I know this is a lot of rambling (as is my style!! ) and random info..but just wanted to let you know where Ive been...
Thanks for reading and take care!!
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