Mom

Today is Mother's Day and yesterday was my mother's birthday.  My mother.  The concept of a mother is a foreign one because my mother is a woman whom I have not seen in 27 years.  Strangely enough, that last time was in May as well; May 4th.  I was 10 years old and she said I will see you tomorrow and I'm still waiting for that tomorrow.  I guess it shouldn't have come as that much of a surprise that she never came the next day, as the last time I saw her, she was heavily addicted to drugs.  She had been for a few years.

It's hard to think of that time in my life.  Not because of any additional trauma but I think overtime my mom has taken on a mythic quality.  I remember after I was raped, we left our apartment and moved in with a family member.  In my mind we left all of our belongings.  However, in speaking with my aunt in recent years, she stated that we didn't really have that many belongings left and didn't leave much behind.   I trust her recollection of how things were since she was already an adult and not a child clinging to the good memories of a mother long gone.  However, I also believe my memories have truth to them as well.

I remember my mother being a happy woman.  Someone who loved her children.  Someone who would do anything to try and protect them.  Someone who loved music and reading.  I remember walking from our house to my aunt's house singing  as we walked through Claremont Park.  She didn't drive and we didn't have a ton of money, so our legs were our usual mode of transportation but she always seemed to make it entertaining.  A quality my sister shares; bringing joy and entertainment to her kids even doing the most mundane of tasks.  

She not only entertained us but tried to also teach us as well.  If you want respect, you have to earn it,  Don't rush into having sex because it can result in a teen pregnancy.  My mom was 18 years old when I was born and I was her youngest of 3, so she knew something about teen pregnancy.  Stay in school and graduate from high school.  Make sure you do what you need to do to not be dependent on a man taking care of you.  She always kept it real with us and tried to impart all that she had learned in young life.

I don't remember when she became addicted to drugs but I do remember the change in her.  She wasn't always as happy and sometimes she wasn't around.  But when she was around, I remember her instilling that we had to go to school.  We lived in a building where many of the residents were either addicted to drugs or selling drugs.  Many of the children of these residents didn't always go to school and their parents didn't always care but my mom did.  If she caught us not in school, she would force us to go in; regardless of the time.

That's how I see her, as always caring about the well being of her children even through the drugs.  I remember a time she had $10, which I believe was the price of a bag of heroin.  It was the last $10 she had, she needed a fix and there was no feed.  I remember her buying an Italian bread, cold cuts, a soda and a pack of cigarettes.  She had to feed at least one of her habits.  That stayed with me because I felt she placed us above her addiction.

When we were placed in foster care, I remember thinking that she would fight for us and find a way to get us back.  This was a little naive of me to feel, considering she was a drug addict with very little education and no place of her own.  But to a 10 year old who fiercely loved her mom, she could do anything and would do anything to get us back.  Unfortunately, that did not happen and here we are 27 years later.

I will never know if my memories of my mother are all through rose colored glass or if its how things happened.  Maybe its somewhere in between.  Some truth to what I remember but also a little fantasy as well.  As I haven't seen her in many years, I don't speak of her very often.  Truthfully, I don't think of her that often but in the month of May, she is at the forefront of my mind.

Do I want to see her again?  Absolutely.  What would I tell her?  I have no clue! I think I would just want to know why she didn't come to look for us.  Would I look for her?  I don't know.  Had you asked me 10 years ago, I would have said, yes I will look for her.  But about 8 years ago, a therapist asked me if I had ever considered that she may have passed away?  After all, she had been on drugs.  But the truth is, No.  I have NEVER considered that she may have passed away.  I was just marking time until I saw her again.  As the possibility of her passing away is a very real one, Id rather not look for her.  To learn that she may have passed away is a little too final and I am not ready for the finality of it.  I'd rather stay in limbo.

I hope that with this blog, people would feel free to ask me questions or talk about her.  So many people are curious about her and what happened but out of respect for me, they don't ask. In my family, we don't really talk about her.  Maybe its too painful for all of us but I think it does a disservice to her.  To not talk about her is to almost forget about her and we shouldn't.  She was here and deserves to be remembered.  So, Happy Birthday and Happy Mother's Day Neida, wherever you are!!

As always, thank you for reading and take care!

30 years ago....

There are some days that you will remember for the rest of your life.  They change who you are because they changed the path you were once on.  These can be good days: the day you met your sweet heart, the day you go off to college, the day your child was born, etc.  Or these can be bad days: the day you lost a job or a loved one.  Whether good or bad, these days are permanently burned into your memory.

I debated long and hard about whether to blog about a day that occurred 30 years ago but can feel like it was just yesterday.  Would it make people uncomfortable? Would it shock some people?  But worst of all, would it make people pity me, which is the last thing that I want.  I had mentioned it in a previous entry but not in great detail.  Ultimately, I decided to blog about it because this blog is about my journey and my past is part of that.

So, here goes.. 30 years ago today, 4/7/1987, at the young age of 7, I was raped. I was in a grocery store buying some snacks when I was approached by a stranger pretending to need help and offering money.  The thought of being able to help someone in need made me happy.  Getting money to do so was just cherry on top.  He lured me to an abandoned building and proceeded to violate me.  As if that weren't enough, he threatened to not only murder me but my family if I ever spoke of the attack.

I remember walking home afterward and trying to come up with some type of excuse to explain my long absence to my mother.  And how was I going to explain to my sister how her coat was ruined?  She was going to be so mad at me for wearing it without permission.  I had to come up with something because I wanted to protect my family from this menace.  When I got home, my mother proceeded to scold me and question where I had been.  It didn't take long for me to crack under the spotlight and I blurted out what had happened.  She drew me in her arms and started to cry.

She rushed me to the hospital, where I stayed for 1 week.  Upon discharge, I was told that I needed to go to the precinct to look at mugshots in the hope of catching the monster.  But after each trip, I would have nightmares.  I begged my mom not to make me go anymore and thankfully, no more mug shots.  The nightmares eventually subsided and life went on.

That day and the feelings I had on that day are still with me today.  I struggle with feeling like I was to blame for the attack because I knowingly went with a stranger, even after all the warnings I had received from my mom.  Intellectually, I know that I am not to blame.  After all, I was only a child and this was a predator.  Whether I went willingly or not, chances are the outcome would have been the same.  However, emotionally, I think it's something I will always carry with me.

The emotional toll is not the only thing that remains.  Being alone with any male I don't know, a man sitting or standing to close to me, a man walking too closely behind me all evoke the same reaction: FEAR.  I start to get queasy and feel my heart rate quicken.  I am back to being that scared 7 year old.

I don't actively think about that day.  But having mentioned it to my sister that it's been 30 years, I woke up today feeling off.  I had a hard time concentrating and felt hungry through out the day.  Maybe this is why I tend to overeat.  Being physically bigger provides some sort of barrier between me and a potential threat.  Maybe the stress of having this in my past, means that I am turn to food for emotional comfort.  Maybe its in my genes.  Or, just maybe, its a combination of everything.  Regardless, I will conquer this weight issue.

As always, thanks for reading and take care.  

Choices

As I continue on this journey, I am struck by how many choices a person makes on any given day.  Choosing a healthy snack over junk food.  Choosing to wear one outfit over another.  Choosing to stay in an unfulfilled relationship or jumping back into the dating pool.  Choosing to stay in a job that is comfortable or choosing the discomfort and uncertainty of exploring something new.  In those examples, there is clearly a choice someone has to make.  Pick one over the other.  Some choices are not so obvious.  When facing adversity or obstacles, we have choices too.   We may not like our choices but we have them.

I learned that lesson from the movie Dangerous Minds.  The teacher was telling the students that they had made the choice to be in school that day.  One student stated that she didn't have a choice because if she didn't go to school, something bad would happen.  The teacher tells her, you may not like your choices but you have them.  You chose to come to school today.  That struck me for some reason and has stayed with me all these years.  

As some may know, I have not had the easiest path in life. Some of my obstacles were caused by some bad choices and some were completely out of my control.  Whenever I give someone a glimpse to my past, I am often told how strong I am for having survived it and my response is always the same, I had no choice but to survive.  But the truth is that while I may not have had a say in why I was in some situations, I did choose to do some things over others, to get me out of them.  

It's not easy for me to take the credit for having survived these rough patches but I with every passing day, it gets a little easier.  I know that ahead of me, I will continue to face uncertainty, fear, doubt and many more obstacles.  I also know that I can stand up to anything thrown at me and not only survive but THRIVE.  I am a strong woman; which means even when I fall or am knocked down, I get back up.

You had a choice in deciding to click on the link and read this post and I'm glad you made the decision you did.

As always, thank you for reading and take care.

Support

When I decided to start blogging again on Friday night, I was a little nervous about posting it on Facebook.  The decision to post came with the fear of being judged and ridiculed.  I was so pleased to see the exact opposite.  The number of people who not only took the time to read my blog but also to respond with messages of support and encouragement surprised me.  It made me feel good to be reminded of the love and warmth that surrounds me.

I am not sure who remembers the show, Designing Women.  It was a great show that I used to watch because it came on right before The Golden Girls, which everyone knows is my favorite.  Anyway, there was this one episode where a man asked Mary Jo to his high school reunion because he wanted to feel special for one day.  All of the women ended up going with him and at the end of the episode, he sends them a little box.  Every time the box was opened, there was a round of applause.  That's how I felt every time I read what people commented.  A little round of applause.

Going through any type of journey is not always easy.  There are bumps and obstacles along the way and times where quitting feels like the right thing to do; the only thing to do.  Those are the times where we need to lean on our loved ones, to give us strength, when we can't find our own.

I am restarting this journey again and know that I will face times where I may not want to continue.  When I do, I will look back at my previous post and blogs and read the lovely words.  Hopefully, they will remind me why I restarted the journey and be the gentle push to keep forward.

As always, thanks for reading and take care.

Almost 5 years later..

Well here we are almost 5 years since my last entry.  Unfortunately, in those 5 years, I have put on all the weight I had previously lost.  How did that happen?!?!  I  had been on such a good roll and had come so far and yet I slid back into my old habits.   I've asked myself multiple times how I let myself fall back into those habits.  How did I forget everything I had learned in Weight Watchers?  I had promised myself then that I would never get back to place I started, yet here I am.

The truth is that I gained the weight back for different reasons.  As in everything in life, there is always more than thing or reason for my relapse.  There were a of changes going on in my life at that time and while some of the things were good, it was still very stressful and lets be honest, food can be very comforting.  So here I am starting over, yet again.

I used to feel shame for having started and stopped my journey so many times.  Feeling like I've failed and what's the use of starting over if I were only going to go back to where I started but I am not a failure.  The only time I will have really failed is if I completely give up, which I refuse to do.  Even if it takes me the rest of my life, I will never try getting it right.

Last month, my sister, Brenda, suggested we start Weight Watchers and I begrudgingly agreed.  I really wasn't ready to start again but figured...yes, lets do it.  That first day was damn near impossible.  I went to bed hungry but I did it.  I had one day down and so many more to go.  I didn't stop the plan and didn't give myself an excuse to eat whatever.  I was recommitting to WW.

Here I am a month later, and thankfully I am still on the plan.  This time I am not focusing on the scale.  I have a list of the reasons why I want to start being healthy and hopefully, I can start crossing them off soon.  I've decided to start blogging again and hope it helps me stay focused.  I am not going to promise to write on a regular basis but more as I feel inspired.

I think some people had "subscribed" to my blog before.  If you want to unsubscribe, just let me know.

Thanks for coming on the journey with me.  Thank you for reading and take care!! 😉😉