I debated long and hard about whether to blog about a day that occurred 30 years ago but can feel like it was just yesterday. Would it make people uncomfortable? Would it shock some people? But worst of all, would it make people pity me, which is the last thing that I want. I had mentioned it in a previous entry but not in great detail. Ultimately, I decided to blog about it because this blog is about my journey and my past is part of that.
So, here goes.. 30 years ago today, 4/7/1987, at the young age of 7, I was raped. I was in a grocery store buying some snacks when I was approached by a stranger pretending to need help and offering money. The thought of being able to help someone in need made me happy. Getting money to do so was just cherry on top. He lured me to an abandoned building and proceeded to violate me. As if that weren't enough, he threatened to not only murder me but my family if I ever spoke of the attack.
I remember walking home afterward and trying to come up with some type of excuse to explain my long absence to my mother. And how was I going to explain to my sister how her coat was ruined? She was going to be so mad at me for wearing it without permission. I had to come up with something because I wanted to protect my family from this menace. When I got home, my mother proceeded to scold me and question where I had been. It didn't take long for me to crack under the spotlight and I blurted out what had happened. She drew me in her arms and started to cry.
She rushed me to the hospital, where I stayed for 1 week. Upon discharge, I was told that I needed to go to the precinct to look at mugshots in the hope of catching the monster. But after each trip, I would have nightmares. I begged my mom not to make me go anymore and thankfully, no more mug shots. The nightmares eventually subsided and life went on.
That day and the feelings I had on that day are still with me today. I struggle with feeling like I was to blame for the attack because I knowingly went with a stranger, even after all the warnings I had received from my mom. Intellectually, I know that I am not to blame. After all, I was only a child and this was a predator. Whether I went willingly or not, chances are the outcome would have been the same. However, emotionally, I think it's something I will always carry with me.
The emotional toll is not the only thing that remains. Being alone with any male I don't know, a man sitting or standing to close to me, a man walking too closely behind me all evoke the same reaction: FEAR. I start to get queasy and feel my heart rate quicken. I am back to being that scared 7 year old.
I don't actively think about that day. But having mentioned it to my sister that it's been 30 years, I woke up today feeling off. I had a hard time concentrating and felt hungry through out the day. Maybe this is why I tend to overeat. Being physically bigger provides some sort of barrier between me and a potential threat. Maybe the stress of having this in my past, means that I am turn to food for emotional comfort. Maybe its in my genes. Or, just maybe, its a combination of everything. Regardless, I will conquer this weight issue.
As always, thanks for reading and take care.
I remember walking home afterward and trying to come up with some type of excuse to explain my long absence to my mother. And how was I going to explain to my sister how her coat was ruined? She was going to be so mad at me for wearing it without permission. I had to come up with something because I wanted to protect my family from this menace. When I got home, my mother proceeded to scold me and question where I had been. It didn't take long for me to crack under the spotlight and I blurted out what had happened. She drew me in her arms and started to cry.
She rushed me to the hospital, where I stayed for 1 week. Upon discharge, I was told that I needed to go to the precinct to look at mugshots in the hope of catching the monster. But after each trip, I would have nightmares. I begged my mom not to make me go anymore and thankfully, no more mug shots. The nightmares eventually subsided and life went on.
That day and the feelings I had on that day are still with me today. I struggle with feeling like I was to blame for the attack because I knowingly went with a stranger, even after all the warnings I had received from my mom. Intellectually, I know that I am not to blame. After all, I was only a child and this was a predator. Whether I went willingly or not, chances are the outcome would have been the same. However, emotionally, I think it's something I will always carry with me.
The emotional toll is not the only thing that remains. Being alone with any male I don't know, a man sitting or standing to close to me, a man walking too closely behind me all evoke the same reaction: FEAR. I start to get queasy and feel my heart rate quicken. I am back to being that scared 7 year old.
I don't actively think about that day. But having mentioned it to my sister that it's been 30 years, I woke up today feeling off. I had a hard time concentrating and felt hungry through out the day. Maybe this is why I tend to overeat. Being physically bigger provides some sort of barrier between me and a potential threat. Maybe the stress of having this in my past, means that I am turn to food for emotional comfort. Maybe its in my genes. Or, just maybe, its a combination of everything. Regardless, I will conquer this weight issue.
As always, thanks for reading and take care.
