Grief

I am struggling.  For the last month, I have been surrounded by grief.  I lost my grandmother, friends have lost parents and the world has lost beloved stars.  Varying degrees of grief have invaded my life.  I feel ill equipped to handle so much at one time.  I want to be there for my loved ones but I am also drowning in my own grief.

It has been almost a month since my little lady has passed and I feel lost.  I’ve never had anyone this close to me pass away and I feel completely unprepared.  Logically, I know that no one can really prepare for grief but I am completely at a loss.

For the last few months of her life, I made sure to pick her up once a week to take her out for the day.  I would pick her up in the morning and bring her back to the home in the afternoon.  Every week, before I left the home, I would make sure to tell her that I love her.  I would then wait for her to say it back.  Sometimes, she was already talking to one of the aides or looking around but I wouldn’t leave until she said it.  As her ability to speak was declining, it would take her a little longer but until I heard her say, I love you in her deep husky thick accent, I would not leave.  I had no idea when I dropped her of on Sunday, 11/28/21, that it would be my last time speaking to her.  I am grateful that my last words to her and from her were “I love you.”   

Before she passed, I would often think about how my life would change when my grandmother was no longer around.  While I am not a morbid person, I think its almost inevitable to have that thought, as we grow older and our loved ones age.  I knew that life would never be the same.  Having had friends and family lose their loved ones, I had said all the worn out cliches:  the memories will comfort you, its ok to be sad, there is no right way to grieve and the list goes on.  Naively, I thought that these words and sayings would help me when my time came to grieve.  But I was wrong.  There is very little anyone can say or do to help me as I navigate through this painful period.  Regardless of how supportive my friends and family are, this is a journey I am on alone.  

Waves of sadness come out of nowhere.  Tears threaten to fall whenever I catch a glimpse of her smiling face.  She is really gone and I cant seem to wrap my head around it.  Since she’s passed, Ive dreamt of her almost every night.  The same theme: it was all a mistake and she was still alive.  I cant even ask her what those dream mean.  It’s like my brain won’t accept the permanence of her absence.  Even though I was only able to see her a couple of times a week and barely talked to her on the phone, I miss my little lady more than I thought possible.  I really did not expect to feel this pain so profoundly.  My heart is broken and it feels like I will never be whole again.  I will never be able to see her again or hug her or tell her that I love her.  

My new therapist said there is no right way to grieve but there is a right way for me.  I wish someone would tell me what that right way is because I cant see or feel it just yet.  

As always, thanks for reading and take care.