Letter to my younger self

Dear Millie

It’s been a while since I’ve thought of you or talked to you.  You seem so far from me.  I barely remember you.  Glimpses of a smiling little girl pop through but quickly vanish.  I have flashes of the innocent child you were.  I remember the joy we felt when we found money in the hallway and Mami was so happy.  That day we had pizza and pineapple soda.  That little bit of money brought so much happiness on that day.  I remember waking up early during the summers and going outside to play with Lemonuel because the street was closed and we would ride our bikes up and down the street.  I remember being the only girl invited to his party and wearing Mimi’s dress because her clothes were always in better condition than mine.  Memories of being in kindergarten and crying because someone said they didnt want to be my friend.  Even at the young age of 5, wanting to be liked was vital.  Who would you have become if that monster had not violated you?  

It’s not your fault.  It never was.  He took advantage of your good heart and your good nature.  He knew that if he offered you money for helping him, you would.  You always had such a good heart and wanted to help in anyway you could.  And a suitcase full of money?  SOLD.  If $20 made everyone happy, imagine what a suitcase full of money would do.  

You knew that you should not have gone with him because she always warned us not to talk to strangers.  You knew what rape was because of what happened to Rosa.  But this wasn’t really talking to strangers.  This was helping someone who needed help with his mother.  And he was going to pay.  This would be ok. 

At 7 years old, there’s no way you could have known what would have happened.  No matter how much you think you should have, you couldn’t have.  You weren’t fully mentally developed yet.  That asshole lied to you when he told you that this is why you shouldn’t talk to strangers.  He made you believe that it was your fault.  After all, hadn’t she told you that repeatedly?  But I’m telling you that you hold no blame or fault in what happened.  You have to forgive yourself.  

Also, the sexual assault was not the reason Mami started doing drugs. She had already started down the path before  you were attacked.  She tried to protect you by making sure that you didnt have to go back to that neighborhood.  But she had already been abusing drugs.  You were not the reason for that.  

I promise not to lock you up in my memory.  I will think about you more.  I want you to see that even though we have been through some shit, we are doing ok.  We are strong.  We are smart.  

I love you little one and I will continue to work on dropping the burden of feeling at fault.  Let’s see if we can free you from the bondage of guilt and shame.