Sandusky's verdict

Ok...I know I just posted less than an hour ago but this verdict has brought up so many feelings in me.  When this story first broke, I remember I telling my therapist that I was overwhelmed with different emotions but not really feeling I had a place to express them or even how to express them for that matter.  This post may be a little erratic and maybe rambling.  It is also going to be very honest and probably very long.  I apologize in advance.

When I first about this case, I was one of few people who didn't know who Joe Paterno was how big he was in Penn State.  If I didnt know about the infamous, JoePa, I knew even less about Jerry Sandusky.  I dont always tune into stories about college sports, however, whenever I hear sexual abuse, I am automatically interested in the story.  Reason being, I was raped when I was 7 years old.

My rape is something that some people know about but most dont.  Its not something that I broadcast but its also not something hide.  When I was 7 years old, I was raped by someone from my neighborhood.  He was not someone I had ever met before, just someone who asked for helped and preyed on an innocent child.  When I finally told my mother I was raped, she rushed me to the hospital, where I stayed for a week or so.  I had a lot of my family come to visit and of course, a lot of law enforcement personnel.  I remember not really wanting to talk about it.  As much as I was constantly being told that it was not my fault and I did nothing wrong, I felt that it was my fault.  I talked to a stranger, when my mother had drilled in my head not to talk to strangers.  Then when I was told by a family member, not to discuss my rape with anyone, it sort of cemented the "shame" that I felt.  I kept it buried for years until I finally sought therapy 3 1/2 years ago and am now able to talk about it.

I remember how I felt as a 7 year old who just had her innocence shattered by 1 sexual assault.  I had a supportive family and thankfully didnt know the person responsible.  I felt loved but still felt like something was wrong with me.  I was "tarnished" and its a feeling that sometimes haunts me some 25 years after the rape.  I could only imagine how some of this man's victims felt.  They knew and trusted him and he preyed on them for his own sick pleasure.  The fact that it has been proven that people in power were made aware of the abuse and chose to protect the image of the school over the well being of the children sickens me. 

I really dont care about JoePa and all that he did for the school of Penn State.  I am not saying that I am glad he is dead but I am not overcome with grief either.  He is responsible for any victim brutalized after he was informed of the abuse.  Hearing countless stories from people who worked with him and confirmed that he knew of most major things happening at the school and also reading the grand jury report, no one will ever convince me that he was innocent in this.  He many not have been the actual monster committing the unspeakable acts but he is most certainly responsible for allowing it to continue.  He, along with everyone else in power who knew of the abuse, should be held responsible!!  If I were being abused and knew that it was being allowed, I am not sure how it would make me feel.  Less than human?  Worthless??   This is what was done to these kids and who knows how many others that have not come forward.

I guess I am happy with the verdict.  At least the victims who had to relive their personal nightmares didnt do it in vain.  Hopefully, none of appeals will overturn the verdict.  This may sound harsh but I hope he rots in jail and then in hell!!  \

Anyways, I've rambled on and can say I feel a little bit better.  I still have tumbling emotions and may continue to post...who knows!

Thanks for reading again and take care!