Happy Birthday to me!!

Today is my last night in my 30s. Tomorrow I turn the big 4-0!! WOOHOO!! These last 40 years have had its ups and downs and I feel so grateful to have at least made it this far. In honor of how far I've come, I've decided to give myself a present. But before I get to my present, let me go back a little.

This year has been trying and satisfying.  It has been one where I have had to face some hard truths and one where I have been enlightened.  I've had to let go of some things and accept that I cannot control all outcomes.  With as many obstacles as I've encountered, it would seem that I should have learned long ago that I have no control.  However, it is just the opposite, because of everything that has happened, I have the desire to control even more.  My control issues are not limited to outside situations;  they extend to the people in my life.   I expect my loved ones to behave according to my ethics and the box I put them in.  When they go outside of the box, I struggle with crushing disappointment.  The disappointment makes me want to put distance between myself that person.  When I realized this was how I reacted, I had to ask myself why.  Why is what someone else doing affecting me so much?  Why can't I accept that people are going to make mistakes and should be given the room to grow from them?

In thinking about it, I spoke with my sister.  She is someone who I can count on telling me things straight.  She asked me something that I had never thought of.  Am I like this with myself?  And the answer is, yes, I am.  I expect to live by a certain code and when I don't, I am severely disappointed in myself.  There are two memories that come to mind; both have to do with my sister and both occurred over 20 years ago.  These memories filled me with shame.  I learned last year the difference between guilt and shame: guilt is to feel bad, shame is that I am bad.  These memories make me feel ashamed of my actions.  When I mentioned both memories to my sister, she had no idea what I was talking about.  Here I was feeling deep shame over something she didn't even remember.  She told me I needed to forgive myself and stop striving to be perfect.  I didn't realize that's what I was doing, striving for perfection.

As I continued to think about this, I spoke with my therapist.  I recounted the conversation between my sister and myself.  She connected my trying to control everything and be perfect to the trauma I experienced as a child.  It was as if a light bulb went off, a real a-ha moment.  I have never stopped blaming myself for what happened to me when I was 7.  I not only feel guilty but shame.  This despicable thing that happened to me was proof that I was a bad person.  I felt bad about it because it meant that I was bad.  My mother had discussed rape with us and I knew not to speak with strangers.  That 7 year old inside of me carried all that blame inside.  To try and counteract all of the damage I felt I had caused, I tried to make sure that I was never bad again.  When I was thoughtless or careless, as children can be, it was further proof that I was a bad person.

When I first started my therapeutic journey 10 years ago, my therapist had me write a little to the little girl who was raped. She wanted me to picture myself as a child and tell that child that it wasn't her fault and let her out.  I couldn't do that exercise.  Logically,  I knew I wasn't too blame but I still felt it.  It was my fault was all I could think.  The little girl inside of me would peek out sometimes but she would always retreat.  However, this year, I finally gained a little more perspective.  I still couldn't quite picture myself as a 7 year old but I personally knew a 7 year old.  I thought how small this child was and how innocent.  There is no way someone that young could be responsible or at fault for someone's sick action.

My gift to myself this year is actually a gift to the little girl inside of me. My gift is to let go. My gift to her, to myself is to accept that what happened in April 1987 was not my fault. It was not my fault that someone saw the innocence in me and exploited it for his own sick desires. It was not my fault that my mother became a casualty of the crack epidemic. That 7 year old was being true to who she was and showing kindness. She (I) made a mistake of trusting the wrong person but it does not make me a bad person. My gift this year includes the realization that I not only love myself but I like myself. I was a good person at 7 and I am still a good person with a good heart.

This year, I realize that no matter how old I am, I never feel "that" age. I always feel like me. This year feels monumental. Not because I am turning 40 but because I feel like I am happy with me. I am embracing who I am. I am looking forward to celebrating this moment!! Spending time with some of the most important people in my life and living it up!! So many in my situation never get here and I don't take it for granted. I feel blessed to be where I am in life and can't wait to see what else life has in store for me. Happy Birthday to me!!

As always, thanks for reading and take care!! :-)

Love Thyself

Its funny, although mentally, I write a million entries, I rarely transcribe them.  I always think I have time to do it at a later time but I never get around to it.  As forthcoming as I am, there's a certain vulnerability with exposing my thoughts to an unseen audience.  Will my thoughts come across clearly?  Will I be judged for what I think or how I write?  Will someone take offense to what I've written and to what extent should I care about how other's feel? All of these thoughts linger in mind whenever I decide to actually write.  Ultimately, I've decided that I am only responsible for what I think and can't control how its perceived.  I am always open to discussing any subject further with anyone so inclined but I can't let the fear of the unknown stop me. 

With the exception of the tribute to my aunt Rosa in May, it had been about 8 or so months since I last wrote.  I've had a lot of changes in my life in that time.  I attended the Haven retreat mid October and when I returned, I was placed on antidepressants.  This was not my first bout with antidepressants.  About 8 years ago, I was placed on a different one and it really didn't do anything for me, so I stopped them.  This time was different.  I immediately felt like they were helping.  I no longer had the irrational mood swings that I suffered from and my mood was regulated.  It was like being set free.  While my mood swings certainly affected those around me, it affected me the most.  It was frustrating and exhausting to be on a constant roller coaster of emotions.  Whenever I lashed out irrationally, I'd beat myself up.  It definitely wasn't fun for me.  Thankfully, my emotions are regulated now.  This has allowed me to clearly evaluate my thoughts and feelings, which enables me to make changes where I see fit. 

The retreat was also instrumental in my changing my thoughts.  As I expressed in previous posts, the retreat was amazing.  The biggest thing I took away from it, was to be kind to myself.  A simple concept but one that can be hard to practice.  Previously, anytime I made a mistake or didn't do what I "should," I would mentally berate and belittle myself.  On one hand, I knew I was a smart person but was constantly calling myself stupid for small things.  It was on a loop in my head.  The retreat has helped slowed down and in some cases, stop the loop.  The retreat's focus was on positive affirmations and I have adopted the same practice.  If I make a mistake, I can now say it was a mistake not that I am a mistake.  What a difference this has made for me. 

The combination of the retreat and the medication has been amazing for me.  I have realized over the last few months that I like myself.  I like who I am and am proud of how far I've come in life.  There are plenty of things in my life that I am working on changing but I like who I am right now.  In society, we are often not encouraged to think positively about ourselves in general but especially if you're not the right size or color or if you're in the wrong job or relationship.  Self love is a destination, something to be attained once you've reached the "right" goal.  But I disagree.  Self love is a journey.  You can love yourself and still work on making changes in areas that need help.  Why should I not love myself because I'm heavier than I want to be?  I can work on becoming healthy and still love myself.  I am working on becoming healthy because I love myself.  

In a little over 2 months, I am turning 40 and I am looking forward to it.  There are so many people who mourn this milestone birthday but I am celebrating mine with a party to myself.  I've overcome so much in my life and with each passing year, I continue to grow and learn.  I may not have everything I want in life but life is good.  I am surrounded by people who fill my life with joy and love.  Isn't that what life is about?

As always, thanks for reading and take care.  

Strength

Picture a woman who grew up in a house where she was never the favorite, nor did she feel the love she so desperately sought. In search of someone to love her, she got married when she very young. Instead of love, she found someone who only wanted to take advantage of her and destroy her. She could have stay in that married and endure years of abuse but instead she realized that she deserved more and left. This same woman, later went on to find love with someone else who showed her what real love was and treated her like the queen she knew she was.

Later on in life, this woman would find herself chasing the wrong kinds of highs. She would find herself regretting her choices on a daily basis. Her choices could have landed her in a number of different situations; none of which were ideal for a mother of two. She could have continued down that path but once again, she saw that she needed to make a change and she enrolled in school. She got her degree in a field that she is still in today.

I am so proud of this woman and all that she has overcome. She has fallen so many times and could have stayed down but she has always gotten right back up. She doesn't see herself like I do. She doesn't see the admiration I have for her. To get through what she has gone through takes strength, fortitude, grit and a certain level of "badassness." Often times, she would only have the support of her husband.

While I have also had many ups and downs in my life, I have always been lucky to have had wonderful people in my life; my own personal cheerleaders. One of my biggest cheerleaders has always been my aunt, Rosa. She stepped in when my mom disappeared so long ago and has always been like a second mother to me. She is actually the one who keeps me blogging. Whenever I go too long without posting, she asks me about it. She loves reading what I write and has even encouraged me to write a book. Today is her birthday and I decided to dedicate this post to her. She is the woman I have described. She doesn't show it often but she has one of the biggest hearts I know and I love her very much. Happy Birthday lady!!

As always, thanks for reading and take care.