Today is my last night in my 30s. Tomorrow I turn the big 4-0!! WOOHOO!! These last 40 years have had its ups and downs and I feel so grateful to have at least made it this far. In honor of how far I've come, I've decided to give myself a present. But before I get to my present, let me go back a little.
This year has been trying and satisfying. It has been one where I have had to face some hard truths and one where I have been enlightened. I've had to let go of some things and accept that I cannot control all outcomes. With as many obstacles as I've encountered, it would seem that I should have learned long ago that I have no control. However, it is just the opposite, because of everything that has happened, I have the desire to control even more. My control issues are not limited to outside situations; they extend to the people in my life. I expect my loved ones to behave according to my ethics and the box I put them in. When they go outside of the box, I struggle with crushing disappointment. The disappointment makes me want to put distance between myself that person. When I realized this was how I reacted, I had to ask myself why. Why is what someone else doing affecting me so much? Why can't I accept that people are going to make mistakes and should be given the room to grow from them?
In thinking about it, I spoke with my sister. She is someone who I can count on telling me things straight. She asked me something that I had never thought of. Am I like this with myself? And the answer is, yes, I am. I expect to live by a certain code and when I don't, I am severely disappointed in myself. There are two memories that come to mind; both have to do with my sister and both occurred over 20 years ago. These memories filled me with shame. I learned last year the difference between guilt and shame: guilt is to feel bad, shame is that I am bad. These memories make me feel ashamed of my actions. When I mentioned both memories to my sister, she had no idea what I was talking about. Here I was feeling deep shame over something she didn't even remember. She told me I needed to forgive myself and stop striving to be perfect. I didn't realize that's what I was doing, striving for perfection.
As I continued to think about this, I spoke with my therapist. I recounted the conversation between my sister and myself. She connected my trying to control everything and be perfect to the trauma I experienced as a child. It was as if a light bulb went off, a real a-ha moment. I have never stopped blaming myself for what happened to me when I was 7. I not only feel guilty but shame. This despicable thing that happened to me was proof that I was a bad person. I felt bad about it because it meant that I was bad. My mother had discussed rape with us and I knew not to speak with strangers. That 7 year old inside of me carried all that blame inside. To try and counteract all of the damage I felt I had caused, I tried to make sure that I was never bad again. When I was thoughtless or careless, as children can be, it was further proof that I was a bad person.
When I first started my therapeutic journey 10 years ago, my therapist had me write a little to the little girl who was raped. She wanted me to picture myself as a child and tell that child that it wasn't her fault and let her out. I couldn't do that exercise. Logically, I knew I wasn't too blame but I still felt it. It was my fault was all I could think. The little girl inside of me would peek out sometimes but she would always retreat. However, this year, I finally gained a little more perspective. I still couldn't quite picture myself as a 7 year old but I personally knew a 7 year old. I thought how small this child was and how innocent. There is no way someone that young could be responsible or at fault for someone's sick action.
My gift to myself this year is actually a gift to the little girl inside of me. My gift is to let go. My gift to her, to myself is to accept that what happened in April 1987 was not my fault. It was not my fault that someone saw the innocence in me and exploited it for his own sick desires. It was not my fault that my mother became a casualty of the crack epidemic. That 7 year old was being true to who she was and showing kindness. She (I) made a mistake of trusting the wrong person but it does not make me a bad person. My gift this year includes the realization that I not only love myself but I like myself. I was a good person at 7 and I am still a good person with a good heart.
As always, thanks for reading and take care!! :-)
This year has been trying and satisfying. It has been one where I have had to face some hard truths and one where I have been enlightened. I've had to let go of some things and accept that I cannot control all outcomes. With as many obstacles as I've encountered, it would seem that I should have learned long ago that I have no control. However, it is just the opposite, because of everything that has happened, I have the desire to control even more. My control issues are not limited to outside situations; they extend to the people in my life. I expect my loved ones to behave according to my ethics and the box I put them in. When they go outside of the box, I struggle with crushing disappointment. The disappointment makes me want to put distance between myself that person. When I realized this was how I reacted, I had to ask myself why. Why is what someone else doing affecting me so much? Why can't I accept that people are going to make mistakes and should be given the room to grow from them?
In thinking about it, I spoke with my sister. She is someone who I can count on telling me things straight. She asked me something that I had never thought of. Am I like this with myself? And the answer is, yes, I am. I expect to live by a certain code and when I don't, I am severely disappointed in myself. There are two memories that come to mind; both have to do with my sister and both occurred over 20 years ago. These memories filled me with shame. I learned last year the difference between guilt and shame: guilt is to feel bad, shame is that I am bad. These memories make me feel ashamed of my actions. When I mentioned both memories to my sister, she had no idea what I was talking about. Here I was feeling deep shame over something she didn't even remember. She told me I needed to forgive myself and stop striving to be perfect. I didn't realize that's what I was doing, striving for perfection.
As I continued to think about this, I spoke with my therapist. I recounted the conversation between my sister and myself. She connected my trying to control everything and be perfect to the trauma I experienced as a child. It was as if a light bulb went off, a real a-ha moment. I have never stopped blaming myself for what happened to me when I was 7. I not only feel guilty but shame. This despicable thing that happened to me was proof that I was a bad person. I felt bad about it because it meant that I was bad. My mother had discussed rape with us and I knew not to speak with strangers. That 7 year old inside of me carried all that blame inside. To try and counteract all of the damage I felt I had caused, I tried to make sure that I was never bad again. When I was thoughtless or careless, as children can be, it was further proof that I was a bad person.
When I first started my therapeutic journey 10 years ago, my therapist had me write a little to the little girl who was raped. She wanted me to picture myself as a child and tell that child that it wasn't her fault and let her out. I couldn't do that exercise. Logically, I knew I wasn't too blame but I still felt it. It was my fault was all I could think. The little girl inside of me would peek out sometimes but she would always retreat. However, this year, I finally gained a little more perspective. I still couldn't quite picture myself as a 7 year old but I personally knew a 7 year old. I thought how small this child was and how innocent. There is no way someone that young could be responsible or at fault for someone's sick action.
My gift to myself this year is actually a gift to the little girl inside of me. My gift is to let go. My gift to her, to myself is to accept that what happened in April 1987 was not my fault. It was not my fault that someone saw the innocence in me and exploited it for his own sick desires. It was not my fault that my mother became a casualty of the crack epidemic. That 7 year old was being true to who she was and showing kindness. She (I) made a mistake of trusting the wrong person but it does not make me a bad person. My gift this year includes the realization that I not only love myself but I like myself. I was a good person at 7 and I am still a good person with a good heart.
This year, I realize that no matter how old I am, I never feel "that" age. I always feel like me. This year feels monumental. Not because I am turning 40 but because I feel like I am happy with me. I am embracing who I am. I am looking forward to celebrating this moment!! Spending time with some of the most important people in my life and living it up!! So many in my situation never get here and I don't take it for granted. I feel blessed to be where I am in life and can't wait to see what else life has in store for me. Happy Birthday to me!!
No comments:
Post a Comment
Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment!! :-)