Happy Birthday to me!!

Today is my last night in my 30s. Tomorrow I turn the big 4-0!! WOOHOO!! These last 40 years have had its ups and downs and I feel so grateful to have at least made it this far. In honor of how far I've come, I've decided to give myself a present. But before I get to my present, let me go back a little.

This year has been trying and satisfying.  It has been one where I have had to face some hard truths and one where I have been enlightened.  I've had to let go of some things and accept that I cannot control all outcomes.  With as many obstacles as I've encountered, it would seem that I should have learned long ago that I have no control.  However, it is just the opposite, because of everything that has happened, I have the desire to control even more.  My control issues are not limited to outside situations;  they extend to the people in my life.   I expect my loved ones to behave according to my ethics and the box I put them in.  When they go outside of the box, I struggle with crushing disappointment.  The disappointment makes me want to put distance between myself that person.  When I realized this was how I reacted, I had to ask myself why.  Why is what someone else doing affecting me so much?  Why can't I accept that people are going to make mistakes and should be given the room to grow from them?

In thinking about it, I spoke with my sister.  She is someone who I can count on telling me things straight.  She asked me something that I had never thought of.  Am I like this with myself?  And the answer is, yes, I am.  I expect to live by a certain code and when I don't, I am severely disappointed in myself.  There are two memories that come to mind; both have to do with my sister and both occurred over 20 years ago.  These memories filled me with shame.  I learned last year the difference between guilt and shame: guilt is to feel bad, shame is that I am bad.  These memories make me feel ashamed of my actions.  When I mentioned both memories to my sister, she had no idea what I was talking about.  Here I was feeling deep shame over something she didn't even remember.  She told me I needed to forgive myself and stop striving to be perfect.  I didn't realize that's what I was doing, striving for perfection.

As I continued to think about this, I spoke with my therapist.  I recounted the conversation between my sister and myself.  She connected my trying to control everything and be perfect to the trauma I experienced as a child.  It was as if a light bulb went off, a real a-ha moment.  I have never stopped blaming myself for what happened to me when I was 7.  I not only feel guilty but shame.  This despicable thing that happened to me was proof that I was a bad person.  I felt bad about it because it meant that I was bad.  My mother had discussed rape with us and I knew not to speak with strangers.  That 7 year old inside of me carried all that blame inside.  To try and counteract all of the damage I felt I had caused, I tried to make sure that I was never bad again.  When I was thoughtless or careless, as children can be, it was further proof that I was a bad person.

When I first started my therapeutic journey 10 years ago, my therapist had me write a little to the little girl who was raped. She wanted me to picture myself as a child and tell that child that it wasn't her fault and let her out.  I couldn't do that exercise.  Logically,  I knew I wasn't too blame but I still felt it.  It was my fault was all I could think.  The little girl inside of me would peek out sometimes but she would always retreat.  However, this year, I finally gained a little more perspective.  I still couldn't quite picture myself as a 7 year old but I personally knew a 7 year old.  I thought how small this child was and how innocent.  There is no way someone that young could be responsible or at fault for someone's sick action.

My gift to myself this year is actually a gift to the little girl inside of me. My gift is to let go. My gift to her, to myself is to accept that what happened in April 1987 was not my fault. It was not my fault that someone saw the innocence in me and exploited it for his own sick desires. It was not my fault that my mother became a casualty of the crack epidemic. That 7 year old was being true to who she was and showing kindness. She (I) made a mistake of trusting the wrong person but it does not make me a bad person. My gift this year includes the realization that I not only love myself but I like myself. I was a good person at 7 and I am still a good person with a good heart.

This year, I realize that no matter how old I am, I never feel "that" age. I always feel like me. This year feels monumental. Not because I am turning 40 but because I feel like I am happy with me. I am embracing who I am. I am looking forward to celebrating this moment!! Spending time with some of the most important people in my life and living it up!! So many in my situation never get here and I don't take it for granted. I feel blessed to be where I am in life and can't wait to see what else life has in store for me. Happy Birthday to me!!

As always, thanks for reading and take care!! :-)

Love Thyself

Its funny, although mentally, I write a million entries, I rarely transcribe them.  I always think I have time to do it at a later time but I never get around to it.  As forthcoming as I am, there's a certain vulnerability with exposing my thoughts to an unseen audience.  Will my thoughts come across clearly?  Will I be judged for what I think or how I write?  Will someone take offense to what I've written and to what extent should I care about how other's feel? All of these thoughts linger in mind whenever I decide to actually write.  Ultimately, I've decided that I am only responsible for what I think and can't control how its perceived.  I am always open to discussing any subject further with anyone so inclined but I can't let the fear of the unknown stop me. 

With the exception of the tribute to my aunt Rosa in May, it had been about 8 or so months since I last wrote.  I've had a lot of changes in my life in that time.  I attended the Haven retreat mid October and when I returned, I was placed on antidepressants.  This was not my first bout with antidepressants.  About 8 years ago, I was placed on a different one and it really didn't do anything for me, so I stopped them.  This time was different.  I immediately felt like they were helping.  I no longer had the irrational mood swings that I suffered from and my mood was regulated.  It was like being set free.  While my mood swings certainly affected those around me, it affected me the most.  It was frustrating and exhausting to be on a constant roller coaster of emotions.  Whenever I lashed out irrationally, I'd beat myself up.  It definitely wasn't fun for me.  Thankfully, my emotions are regulated now.  This has allowed me to clearly evaluate my thoughts and feelings, which enables me to make changes where I see fit. 

The retreat was also instrumental in my changing my thoughts.  As I expressed in previous posts, the retreat was amazing.  The biggest thing I took away from it, was to be kind to myself.  A simple concept but one that can be hard to practice.  Previously, anytime I made a mistake or didn't do what I "should," I would mentally berate and belittle myself.  On one hand, I knew I was a smart person but was constantly calling myself stupid for small things.  It was on a loop in my head.  The retreat has helped slowed down and in some cases, stop the loop.  The retreat's focus was on positive affirmations and I have adopted the same practice.  If I make a mistake, I can now say it was a mistake not that I am a mistake.  What a difference this has made for me. 

The combination of the retreat and the medication has been amazing for me.  I have realized over the last few months that I like myself.  I like who I am and am proud of how far I've come in life.  There are plenty of things in my life that I am working on changing but I like who I am right now.  In society, we are often not encouraged to think positively about ourselves in general but especially if you're not the right size or color or if you're in the wrong job or relationship.  Self love is a destination, something to be attained once you've reached the "right" goal.  But I disagree.  Self love is a journey.  You can love yourself and still work on making changes in areas that need help.  Why should I not love myself because I'm heavier than I want to be?  I can work on becoming healthy and still love myself.  I am working on becoming healthy because I love myself.  

In a little over 2 months, I am turning 40 and I am looking forward to it.  There are so many people who mourn this milestone birthday but I am celebrating mine with a party to myself.  I've overcome so much in my life and with each passing year, I continue to grow and learn.  I may not have everything I want in life but life is good.  I am surrounded by people who fill my life with joy and love.  Isn't that what life is about?

As always, thanks for reading and take care.  

Strength

Picture a woman who grew up in a house where she was never the favorite, nor did she feel the love she so desperately sought. In search of someone to love her, she got married when she very young. Instead of love, she found someone who only wanted to take advantage of her and destroy her. She could have stay in that married and endure years of abuse but instead she realized that she deserved more and left. This same woman, later went on to find love with someone else who showed her what real love was and treated her like the queen she knew she was.

Later on in life, this woman would find herself chasing the wrong kinds of highs. She would find herself regretting her choices on a daily basis. Her choices could have landed her in a number of different situations; none of which were ideal for a mother of two. She could have continued down that path but once again, she saw that she needed to make a change and she enrolled in school. She got her degree in a field that she is still in today.

I am so proud of this woman and all that she has overcome. She has fallen so many times and could have stayed down but she has always gotten right back up. She doesn't see herself like I do. She doesn't see the admiration I have for her. To get through what she has gone through takes strength, fortitude, grit and a certain level of "badassness." Often times, she would only have the support of her husband.

While I have also had many ups and downs in my life, I have always been lucky to have had wonderful people in my life; my own personal cheerleaders. One of my biggest cheerleaders has always been my aunt, Rosa. She stepped in when my mom disappeared so long ago and has always been like a second mother to me. She is actually the one who keeps me blogging. Whenever I go too long without posting, she asks me about it. She loves reading what I write and has even encouraged me to write a book. Today is her birthday and I decided to dedicate this post to her. She is the woman I have described. She doesn't show it often but she has one of the biggest hearts I know and I love her very much. Happy Birthday lady!!

As always, thanks for reading and take care.

The Retreat

Many people have asked me about the retreat and what it was like.  I say it was amazing or enlightening but those words don't seem adequate enough.  Intense, emotional, educational also can't capture the essence of the retreat.  The foundation has really invested in the healing and educating of women who were taught or shown at a very early age, that life can be cruel, ugly and unfair.  Everything from the house to the food to the staff is carefully selected to promote self care, health and empowerment.  Nothing is pushed on anyone.  If you didn't feel like attending a class, you didn't have too.  If you wanted to sleep in, that was OK.  The goal is to empower the survivors to make choices and live lives that may have seemed impossible before. 

One of the few rules at the retreat were pictures were not allowed.  Since many of the women there may not want to have people know where they are or that they were there, no one is allowed to use cameras.  It's unfortunate because the house was BEAUTIFUL!!  The bedrooms were big enough to sleep 6 comfortably, with 3 sets of bunk beds.  Most of the classes were held either in the library or the common areas, all rooms furnished with big comfy chairs or couches.  Colors were soft and comforting.  Everyone is gifted a water bottle upon arrival, and there are fountains throughout the residence to stay hydrated.  Everything was carefully designed for comfort, safety and healing.  It was a beautiful home nestled amongst majestic mountains, hidden away from the real world.

While the house was breathtaking, it would have been meaningless without the staff, who went out of their way to attend to the needs of everyone.  As I mentioned before, I was over 4 hours late in getting to the retreat and assumed that the staff would be annoyed at having to make special provisions for me but instead I was greeted kindly and warmly.  The staff genuinely cared about the participants.  During the week, the first question was usually, how are you today?  Followed by, did you sleep OK?  These were not just "making conversation" questions.  They were sincere and attentive to details to make the participant as comfortable as possible.  The food prepared was delicious but also nutritious. Anyone with a food allergy had a comparable substitute, prepared just as lovingly and carefully as the main dish.  As a participant, I knew I could go to my case manager or therapist with a need or a request and they would take it seriously and try to assist in anyway possible.  While there, I didn't have to "worry" about much, which allowed me to focus on myself.  It allowed me to connect with the other participants.

Often times, sexual abuse is not something most people discuss.  Whether the victim is told not to discuss with anyone else or doesn't feel comfortable discussing it, it is a secret that hides in the deep, dark recesses of our mind.  At the retreat, we all knew why we were there.  We may not have know the details of each story but we all had the common thread of being a survivor.  Because of this, we connected on a deeper level.  We were all on different parts of our healing journey but we were there together.  It was a sisterhood made up of women from all different ages, backgrounds and walks of life.  In these women, I saw beauty, compassion, courage and most importantly strength.  The inner strength and grace that surrounded me inspired and uplifted me.  To know that I am not alone in some of the ways I struggle or more normal than I may have thought, was healing for me.  To know that I can continue to count on these women for support and encouragement is a blessing.

This was a once in a lifetime experience that I will forever be grateful to have been a part of.   

As always, thank you for reading and take care.  

Seeing Myself

One of the first things I did at the retreat was to write down some goals for the week.  That is a new concept for me.  I don't usually think of goals outside of work.  One of my goals was to see myself for who I am.

When I began therapy in January, my therapist asked me to list all of my good qualities and I came up with less than 10 adjectives.  Funny enough, I only had that many because I went by what others have told me in the past.  Intellectually, I can list some positive things about myself but I don't feel the positive.  Often times when someone compliments me, I verbally say thank you but internally it's another conversation entirely.  Sometimes I feel if the person really knew me, they wouldn't say the nice things.  If its someone who really knows me or loves me, I feel like the affection he/she feels for me is clouding his/her judgment.  Why do I feel this way?  Why can't I be objective about myself?  Why can't I see the bad and the good?  Why do I only focus on the bad?

Take what happened the day of my arrival to the retreat.  Instead of thinking that I had miscalculated a few times, I immediately began to belittle myself.  How dumb of me not to get there early?  I should have known that missing my flight was a possibility.  How stupid of me! What is wrong with me?  All of these negative things ran through my mind in a loop.  The foundation was going to regret inviting me to participate.   As this negativity ran through my mind, I felt so low and so defeated.

When I got to the retreat, I was greeted with warmth, compassion and understanding.  They thanked me for being so patient while they arranged transportation.  They stated it was a brave thing I was doing and they were so happy that I made it.  Wow! Not only were they not mad, they were validating that I still deserved to be there.  When I sat down with my therapist, she asked what my goals were and immediately, I knew that I needed to change how I saw myself.   I can't be all bad if I deserved this wonderful treatment.

In the retreat, there are certain classes/programs that are chosen for the whole team and some that you choose for yourself.  I chose classes that would support me in achieving my goals.  One of the programs that are for all of the participants, is a makeover and a photo session.  I was a little nervous about the make over, as I wasn't sure the stylist could style my hair in a way that I would like.  I explained that I didn't want my hair to look frizzy.  They proceeded to style it and as others walked by, they commented on how good it looked.  I was not convinced and waited to see the finished the product.  When they turned the chair around, I was NOT happy.  My hair looked huge!  I don't like big hair.  They realized I was not happy and asked how to fix it.  I explained that I didn't like how puffy it seemed.  They put some bobby pins and I just accepted that I wouldn't love these pics.  While I loved the make up, my hair was a hot mess.  But I couldn't really say that to these amazing people who went out of their way to do my hair and make me feel beautiful.

As I sat waiting for the photographer, I realized that I still had time to fix it.  Why just accept that my hair looked like a lion's mane?  So, I went to the little bathroom next to the photo studio and I applied some water and repositioned the bobby pins.  When the photographer saw me, she said my hair looked amazing but I told her I hate it.  She didn't get upset or make me feel ungrateful.  She told me that while she thought I looked great, if I was really unhappy, she would allow me to come back the next day and take pictures with my hair styled by me in a way that I liked. I couldn't believe it.  It was up to me if I wanted to retake my pictures.  I had a choice.

I did my hair the next morning and I felt good.  It came out cute and just the way I liked it but I didn't choose to retake my pictures.  Why? Because I want to see myself the way other people saw me.  Truth is that I am good at not only tearing myself down mentally but also picking myself apart physically.  I hate taking pictures for this very reason.  My weight has fluctuated so much over the last 10 years and I hate looking in the mirrors.  As a matter of fact, I look in the mirror as little as possible.  But as I said, I was opening myself up to this new experience and my goal was to see myself for who I am.  When we receive our pictures in a few weeks, I would see the final outcome.  Well, I didn't have to wait a few weeks because on my last day, we were surprised with a print from our photo session.  I had so many emotions flowing through me that day and I didn't want to add to that by being disappointed in my picture.  That shows how negative I can be about myself.  The first thing I thought was that it was a bad picture.

It has been over 24 hours since I've been given that picture and I have showed it to my husband and my sister.  I am now ready to look at the picture.  Why?  Because my body doesn't define me my beauty.  I am beautiful inside and out.  I am a good person with a good heart and I deserve to be happy and confident in my skin.  I may not be there yet but I will get there.

As always, thank you for reading and take care.  

Better Late Than Never

Going on a trip is always a little stressful.  First there is the packing, then getting to the airport, going through security and finally reaching your destination.  I've always heard that you should aim to be at the airport 1 hour before domestic flights and 2 hours before international flights.  I assumed this was to make sure you get through security.  Boy was I wrong.

My friend, who lives in Queens, allowed me to stay at his house the night before my trip.  I was so close to the airport and it was only a domestic flight, so I was all set for my 6:59 AM flight.  I woke up at 5:15 AM and figured I would leave by 5:30 AM to get to the airport by 6 AM.  That was my first mistake.  I should have planned to be out of his house by  5:15.  I ordered Uber Pool, which was my next mistake.  According to the driver's GPS, I should have reached the airport by 6 AM but then another call came in and that delayed my arrival to the airport by 10 minutes.  I checked in from the cab and thought, it's a little close but I will still make it.  They were boarding by 6:19 and I would have to hoof it to the gate but I would make it.  At least, that's what I was praying for. 

Well, I get to the airport and go immediately to drop off my bag.  The first sign of trouble, the ticket agent looked at my ticket (on the phone) and then on the computer and shook her head.  Uh oh..  What is going on?  She then asked her co-worker for confirmation that I had to be redirected.  The coworker nodded and I was sent to "Rebooking."  That should have clued me in that I wouldn't be making my flight but I was cautiously optimistic.  I walk over and speak with the agent who proceeded to tell me that my luggage needed to be checked in an hour before the flight and I had missed the cut off.  WHAT??  Since when was there a cut off time for luggage??  Instant panic, what was I going to do?  She told me my only option was to get on the next flight, which didn't leave until 11:10 AM.  I asked to speak with the manager, as it slowly dawned on me that for the first time ever, I had missed a flight.  The manager confirmed that I had no choice but to rebook my flight.  Not only did I have to pay an extra $75 but there were no seats in Delta Comfort.  This was horrible.

Now, many people may not know this but when I get angry, sad, frustrated, upset or anything, I cry.  Tears are instant.  As you can imagine, tears were streaming down my cheek as I now worried about how I was going to get to the retreat once I got to Salt Lake City.  In the email I received from the foundation, it was very clear that I had be at the airport by 11 AM, MT or find my own ride to the retreat. My new flight wouldn't get into Salt Lake until 2:30 PM.  All I thought about was the money that I would have to spend and how stupid of me to not be at the airport earlier.  I texted my husband and my sister to explain what had happened.  My husband immediately called me and I burst out crying.  I couldn't help it.  All the pent up nerves and excitement of the upcoming retreat mixed with the frustration and anxiety of missing my flight. He was ready to take the train from CT and come to the airport to be with me but that would have taken him over 2 hours to get to me.  Instead, he video chatted with me for 1 hour, until the tears dried and I was finally calmed down.

I emailed the retreat and explained how I had missed my flight and wouldn't get there until 2:30 PM.  As I waited for my new flight, I tried to do a puzzle, but realized I didn't have a pen.  I tried to get on the Wi-Fi with my laptop and it wouldn't connect.  My anxiety was through the roof.  I checked my carry on bag to get on the flight earlier and then realized that my headphones were in the carry on.  I was now facing a flight that was supposed to last over 5 hours without any way to watch the entertainment.  This was not the way I wanted to start the week.

My luck started to change when the flight attendant explained that the headphones from the airline would be free because the WiFi was spotty.  YES! I could now watch a movie.  When I landed in Salt Lake City and turned my phone on, I had both a text message and email from the retreat asking me to call them.  I called and with baited breath I waited to see what my options were.  To my surprise, I was told they would handle my transportation.  They would call and email me back with the details.  Within 20 minutes, I was re-assured that my shuttle ride from the airport was scheduled and I was not paying for it.  Phew..

I finally pulled up to the retreat at 5:05 PM, over 4 hours after I was supposed to.  I was exhausted and drained from the morning travels but when I got out of the shuttle, I was met with a big and welcoming smile.  I had made it and was ready to start my retreat.  

The night before...

In 9 hours, I will be on a plane on my way to Utah.  The time has come.  

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am full of nerves and anxiety.  I had such a hard time packing last night.  What do I bring with me?  How can I pack when I don't know what I am going to be doing?  They're going to be taking pictures, what do I bring?  How do I want to be photographed?  How many outfits do I take?  How about what to wear to sleep?  Will I have a roommate?  Is it going to be too hot?  All of these questions kept me up and made it semi impossible to pack but I made it happen!!  

While the nerves and anxiety are a high level, I am also filled with some excitement.  So many people have reached out to me with words of encouragement and support and the positive energy has helped me get excited for this new chapter.   I was emailing a friend and talking with my sister and realized my biggest fear in going away: what if nothing changes?  What if I have talked about this big retreat and shared how wonderful it was for so many people and yet I go and don't discover anything about myself or don't connect with anyone?  How can I come back and face everyone?  I would feel like such a failure.  However, both my sister and my friend pointed out that there is no way I could come back unchanged.  I am going to be in a completely new environment and have new experiences that are bound to change me.  

The key is to not go in with any expectations.  I can't expect to come out a new woman or have a major epiphany because if nothing major happens, it feels like a disappointment.  My goal is to go in open: open to the experience, open to meeting new people and open to connecting with myself.  I want to embrace the discomfort because I am hoping it leads me to embracing life in a new and joyful way.  

Wish me luck!! Thank you for reading and take care!!