In my last post, I discussed my mom and her absence in my life. I typically tend to write about her around Mother's Day. I wonder why?
Obviously, I know why this time of year always brings her to mind. Strangely enough, its one of few times that I actively think about her. As I go through my days, I rarely think of the woman who gave me life. I've even said a time or two, that to have a mother is foreign for me. I've been without one for so long.
Some might think that my not thinking of her means that I am "over" her and the abandonment. As a matter of fact, I was one who thought that way. I'm an adult. She left when I was a child. I persevered and grew up without her. This must mean that I am no longer affected by her absence. I didn't realize how wrong I was.
The fact is I don't think of her that often because it hurts to think of her. It hurts to remember that I once had a mom who, I know without a doubt, loved her kids. A mom who tried to give us all that she had, although it was barely anything. A mom who even in the throes of her drug abuse, still managed to make me feel loved and safe. A mom who I adored and loved with all that I had. I was only 10 years old when I last saw her and in many ways, I am still that same little girl.
My memories of my mom have faded with time and I am sure I have re-imagined life with her as a way to cope with not having her. Funny enough, I never say I lost my mom. I just think of her as not being her now. My husband has asked me if I want to look for her and my answer is a quick no. That might be shocking to read. Why would I not want to look for this woman, whom I obviously loved and have missed throughout all of the years? Why wouldn't I want answers?
Honestly, I do want answers. But to look for her now, would mean that I have to be ready for what I might find. I may have to finally acknowledge that she is permanently gone from my life. No more counting how long it's been since I've seen her. She would just be gone. Until now, I didn't think I was ready for that.
However, I think its time I face that fear and begin the process of letting go of her. It's time that I mourn her loss and accept that she may never come back. We may never be united. I may never know what happened to her. That's a bitter pill to swallow because I want answers and frankly, I deserve them. As anyone who has experienced grief knows, sometimes we don't get answers we need and we have to make peace with it.
I don't know to begin to let her go. Maybe it will start with this post. Maybe by talking about her with my family. Maybe by remembering both the positive and negative sides of her and finally admitting to myself that she was flesh and blood, who like everyone, made many mistakes. I hope that I can let go of the hurt and anger that I feel towards her. Keep her alive in my heart and not trapped in my head as a confused memory.
As always, thank you for reading and take care!!
Obviously, I know why this time of year always brings her to mind. Strangely enough, its one of few times that I actively think about her. As I go through my days, I rarely think of the woman who gave me life. I've even said a time or two, that to have a mother is foreign for me. I've been without one for so long.
Some might think that my not thinking of her means that I am "over" her and the abandonment. As a matter of fact, I was one who thought that way. I'm an adult. She left when I was a child. I persevered and grew up without her. This must mean that I am no longer affected by her absence. I didn't realize how wrong I was.
The fact is I don't think of her that often because it hurts to think of her. It hurts to remember that I once had a mom who, I know without a doubt, loved her kids. A mom who tried to give us all that she had, although it was barely anything. A mom who even in the throes of her drug abuse, still managed to make me feel loved and safe. A mom who I adored and loved with all that I had. I was only 10 years old when I last saw her and in many ways, I am still that same little girl.
My memories of my mom have faded with time and I am sure I have re-imagined life with her as a way to cope with not having her. Funny enough, I never say I lost my mom. I just think of her as not being her now. My husband has asked me if I want to look for her and my answer is a quick no. That might be shocking to read. Why would I not want to look for this woman, whom I obviously loved and have missed throughout all of the years? Why wouldn't I want answers?
Honestly, I do want answers. But to look for her now, would mean that I have to be ready for what I might find. I may have to finally acknowledge that she is permanently gone from my life. No more counting how long it's been since I've seen her. She would just be gone. Until now, I didn't think I was ready for that.
However, I think its time I face that fear and begin the process of letting go of her. It's time that I mourn her loss and accept that she may never come back. We may never be united. I may never know what happened to her. That's a bitter pill to swallow because I want answers and frankly, I deserve them. As anyone who has experienced grief knows, sometimes we don't get answers we need and we have to make peace with it.
I don't know to begin to let her go. Maybe it will start with this post. Maybe by talking about her with my family. Maybe by remembering both the positive and negative sides of her and finally admitting to myself that she was flesh and blood, who like everyone, made many mistakes. I hope that I can let go of the hurt and anger that I feel towards her. Keep her alive in my heart and not trapped in my head as a confused memory.
As always, thank you for reading and take care!!
