Who am I?

As I continue on this journey of self discovery, I realized the need to start therapy again.  My therapist and I were discussing the rape and she had asked me if I could remember who I was before the event.  Truthfully, not really.  I was 7 years old when it happened to me, so I remember individual things but not really a sense of "who I was." As we were talking about it, it made me think about who I am and I informed her that the only time I can detect a significant change in my personality came between high school and college.  I clearly remember who I was before I went to college and then who I was once I had graduated.  When she asked me what caused the change in me, the first thing to come to mind was the 1 significant relationship I had in college.   I was never the same after that. 

In high school, I was a confident teen.  You couldn't tell me nothing about myself.  As a kid, I had read one of my report cards and a teacher had commented that I could do whatever I put my mind to and I believed her.  I really felt like the world was mine.

I had my insecurities, I mean...we all do.   My biggest insecurity was surrounded around my looks.  There are reasons for that but that's a topic for another blog.  Apart from the looks, I was happy with who I was.  I was confident in my voice, even writing a letter to the editor of the town paper when I was disgusted with some behavior from the school.  I saw a bright future ahead for me and couldn't wait to get out there.

Providence College was my choice, when it came time to choose.  During orientation that summer, I met two members of my class and was bold enough to go and ask them why weren't they dancing.  They thought I was an upper classmen because of my demeanor when I approached them.  On the first day of moving in, we ran each other again and struck up a friendship.  It was nice to be able to connect with people so soon and have a level of comfort.  One of these people would soon become my boyfriend.  Yes, I was one of those girls who started dating someone immediately as soon as she got on campus.  

We got a long well and soon were spending all of our time together. More accurately, I was spending most of my time in his room with him and annoying his roommate.  I would go to my dorm to shower, change and then head back over there.  Almost instantly, I was head over heels.  Here was this smart guy who was very sweet and really into me.  I spent half of all school holidays with him and his family, even going on family vacations with them.  I thought...this is it.  This is who I am going to spend my life with.  I ignored our bickering or the way he sometimes made me feel. I thought this is where I am meant to be.  I was home.

Around the spring semester, I remember him telling me didn't want to do long distance dating over the summer and wanted to see what else was out there.  I was his first relationship and he didn't want to settle down with the first girl he dated.  That should have been a major flag for me but I just thought..ok... hes going to eventually come back to me.  I was wrong and while we were involved for a period of time, we were done.

Although I didn't realize it at the time, I fell into a mini depression. My grades suffered tremendously and I stopped caring about a lot of things, myself included.  Being his girlfriend had defined me for so long, I didn't know who I was without that label.  I was lost and confused.  What about this relationship had such an impact on me?   Why this boy?  I had had many boyfriends before and I was fine.

To answer that, it would help to understand that 2 days before I started my freshman year, the aunt I was living with also moved to RI.  So in 2 days, I went from having a stable home base to being completely on my own.  Her new home wasn't my home.  I didn't have an old home to go back to.  I was in essence, homeless.  Unlike many of my classmates, I had people I could visit on holidays but not a home.  No one family that claimed me as theirs or I claimed as mine.

In walks this person who gave me everything I was looking for.  He gave me his heart, a family, a home, a place to belong.  It was what I had been yearning for since I lost my mom and I thought I had found it in him.  So, when he made jokes about my weight, I ignored them.  After all, he loved me anyway, so how it could be bad?  He always stressed the importance of being a good student, so I strove to be the best I could be, to make him proud.  I avoided people and activities he didn't approve of to stay in his good graces.  I didn't make any friends on my own because I was content just being with him.  

When we broke up, my insecurities doubled because I had never been fully secured about my looks but remembering his jokes about my weight really made me feel bad.  Maybe this is why he didn't want me.  I stopped caring about class.  It was almost as if I were rebelling, doing things that I knew would upset him.  Maybe I was looking for attention, a way to get him to notice me.  I allowed him to play games with me because I wasn't ready to let him go.  I didn't want to lose my home again.  I just had to "tough" this time out and eventually, all would be good again.  Obviously, this was not the case.   I did lose my home and with it, any shred of confidence in who I was.

Hindsight is always 20/20 and looking back, I can see why things happened the way they did.  I get mad at myself for allowing it to happen.  I get mad at him for taking adventure of the love I had for him.  Even with my anger about it, I also make excuses for his behavior.  He was young and I was probably way too intense for him.   I still have love for the my ex-boyfriend.  He probably has no idea I feel this way, as I never really discussed it with him.  We are both happily married to our soul mates and remain friendly to this day.  Maybe one day we will meet over a cup of a coffee and discuss, maybe.

Regardless of why things transpired the way they did, the impact on me has been profound.  I haven't made it back to the confident young woman I was prior to Providence but I am finally clearing the path.  This was a lot for one day...so, until next time, thanks a lot for reading and take care.