One of the first things I did at the retreat was to write down some goals for the week. That is a new concept for me. I don't usually think of goals outside of work. One of my goals was to see myself for who I am.
When I began therapy in January, my therapist asked me to list all of my good qualities and I came up with less than 10 adjectives. Funny enough, I only had that many because I went by what others have told me in the past. Intellectually, I can list some positive things about myself but I don't feel the positive. Often times when someone compliments me, I verbally say thank you but internally it's another conversation entirely. Sometimes I feel if the person really knew me, they wouldn't say the nice things. If its someone who really knows me or loves me, I feel like the affection he/she feels for me is clouding his/her judgment. Why do I feel this way? Why can't I be objective about myself? Why can't I see the bad and the good? Why do I only focus on the bad?
Take what happened the day of my arrival to the retreat. Instead of thinking that I had miscalculated a few times, I immediately began to belittle myself. How dumb of me not to get there early? I should have known that missing my flight was a possibility. How stupid of me! What is wrong with me? All of these negative things ran through my mind in a loop. The foundation was going to regret inviting me to participate. As this negativity ran through my mind, I felt so low and so defeated.
When I got to the retreat, I was greeted with warmth, compassion and understanding. They thanked me for being so patient while they arranged transportation. They stated it was a brave thing I was doing and they were so happy that I made it. Wow! Not only were they not mad, they were validating that I still deserved to be there. When I sat down with my therapist, she asked what my goals were and immediately, I knew that I needed to change how I saw myself. I can't be all bad if I deserved this wonderful treatment.
In the retreat, there are certain classes/programs that are chosen for the whole team and some that you choose for yourself. I chose classes that would support me in achieving my goals. One of the programs that are for all of the participants, is a makeover and a photo session. I was a little nervous about the make over, as I wasn't sure the stylist could style my hair in a way that I would like. I explained that I didn't want my hair to look frizzy. They proceeded to style it and as others walked by, they commented on how good it looked. I was not convinced and waited to see the finished the product. When they turned the chair around, I was NOT happy. My hair looked huge! I don't like big hair. They realized I was not happy and asked how to fix it. I explained that I didn't like how puffy it seemed. They put some bobby pins and I just accepted that I wouldn't love these pics. While I loved the make up, my hair was a hot mess. But I couldn't really say that to these amazing people who went out of their way to do my hair and make me feel beautiful.
As I sat waiting for the photographer, I realized that I still had time to fix it. Why just accept that my hair looked like a lion's mane? So, I went to the little bathroom next to the photo studio and I applied some water and repositioned the bobby pins. When the photographer saw me, she said my hair looked amazing but I told her I hate it. She didn't get upset or make me feel ungrateful. She told me that while she thought I looked great, if I was really unhappy, she would allow me to come back the next day and take pictures with my hair styled by me in a way that I liked. I couldn't believe it. It was up to me if I wanted to retake my pictures. I had a choice.
I did my hair the next morning and I felt good. It came out cute and just the way I liked it but I didn't choose to retake my pictures. Why? Because I want to see myself the way other people saw me. Truth is that I am good at not only tearing myself down mentally but also picking myself apart physically. I hate taking pictures for this very reason. My weight has fluctuated so much over the last 10 years and I hate looking in the mirrors. As a matter of fact, I look in the mirror as little as possible. But as I said, I was opening myself up to this new experience and my goal was to see myself for who I am. When we receive our pictures in a few weeks, I would see the final outcome. Well, I didn't have to wait a few weeks because on my last day, we were surprised with a print from our photo session. I had so many emotions flowing through me that day and I didn't want to add to that by being disappointed in my picture. That shows how negative I can be about myself. The first thing I thought was that it was a bad picture.
It has been over 24 hours since I've been given that picture and I have showed it to my husband and my sister. I am now ready to look at the picture. Why? Because my body doesn't define me my beauty. I am beautiful inside and out. I am a good person with a good heart and I deserve to be happy and confident in my skin. I may not be there yet but I will get there.
As always, thank you for reading and take care.
When I began therapy in January, my therapist asked me to list all of my good qualities and I came up with less than 10 adjectives. Funny enough, I only had that many because I went by what others have told me in the past. Intellectually, I can list some positive things about myself but I don't feel the positive. Often times when someone compliments me, I verbally say thank you but internally it's another conversation entirely. Sometimes I feel if the person really knew me, they wouldn't say the nice things. If its someone who really knows me or loves me, I feel like the affection he/she feels for me is clouding his/her judgment. Why do I feel this way? Why can't I be objective about myself? Why can't I see the bad and the good? Why do I only focus on the bad?
Take what happened the day of my arrival to the retreat. Instead of thinking that I had miscalculated a few times, I immediately began to belittle myself. How dumb of me not to get there early? I should have known that missing my flight was a possibility. How stupid of me! What is wrong with me? All of these negative things ran through my mind in a loop. The foundation was going to regret inviting me to participate. As this negativity ran through my mind, I felt so low and so defeated.
When I got to the retreat, I was greeted with warmth, compassion and understanding. They thanked me for being so patient while they arranged transportation. They stated it was a brave thing I was doing and they were so happy that I made it. Wow! Not only were they not mad, they were validating that I still deserved to be there. When I sat down with my therapist, she asked what my goals were and immediately, I knew that I needed to change how I saw myself. I can't be all bad if I deserved this wonderful treatment.
In the retreat, there are certain classes/programs that are chosen for the whole team and some that you choose for yourself. I chose classes that would support me in achieving my goals. One of the programs that are for all of the participants, is a makeover and a photo session. I was a little nervous about the make over, as I wasn't sure the stylist could style my hair in a way that I would like. I explained that I didn't want my hair to look frizzy. They proceeded to style it and as others walked by, they commented on how good it looked. I was not convinced and waited to see the finished the product. When they turned the chair around, I was NOT happy. My hair looked huge! I don't like big hair. They realized I was not happy and asked how to fix it. I explained that I didn't like how puffy it seemed. They put some bobby pins and I just accepted that I wouldn't love these pics. While I loved the make up, my hair was a hot mess. But I couldn't really say that to these amazing people who went out of their way to do my hair and make me feel beautiful.
As I sat waiting for the photographer, I realized that I still had time to fix it. Why just accept that my hair looked like a lion's mane? So, I went to the little bathroom next to the photo studio and I applied some water and repositioned the bobby pins. When the photographer saw me, she said my hair looked amazing but I told her I hate it. She didn't get upset or make me feel ungrateful. She told me that while she thought I looked great, if I was really unhappy, she would allow me to come back the next day and take pictures with my hair styled by me in a way that I liked. I couldn't believe it. It was up to me if I wanted to retake my pictures. I had a choice.
I did my hair the next morning and I felt good. It came out cute and just the way I liked it but I didn't choose to retake my pictures. Why? Because I want to see myself the way other people saw me. Truth is that I am good at not only tearing myself down mentally but also picking myself apart physically. I hate taking pictures for this very reason. My weight has fluctuated so much over the last 10 years and I hate looking in the mirrors. As a matter of fact, I look in the mirror as little as possible. But as I said, I was opening myself up to this new experience and my goal was to see myself for who I am. When we receive our pictures in a few weeks, I would see the final outcome. Well, I didn't have to wait a few weeks because on my last day, we were surprised with a print from our photo session. I had so many emotions flowing through me that day and I didn't want to add to that by being disappointed in my picture. That shows how negative I can be about myself. The first thing I thought was that it was a bad picture.
It has been over 24 hours since I've been given that picture and I have showed it to my husband and my sister. I am now ready to look at the picture. Why? Because my body doesn't define me my beauty. I am beautiful inside and out. I am a good person with a good heart and I deserve to be happy and confident in my skin. I may not be there yet but I will get there.
As always, thank you for reading and take care.
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