Lost

I have been gone from the blogging world for about 5 months and I dont know why I am back. I have definitely have had an interesting year so far. I cant believe we are almost done with this year. Sometimes I look back and wonder if I have made progress and other times I know I have. I remember starting this year so excited because I was going to Structure House and I thought that it would hold ALL the answers to why I have such a hard time losing weight. Everyone was so supportive when I left and I felt encouraged because I thought that I was finally doing something for me and that it would be successful. Well...while I think that I may have succeeded in some ways..I still have yet to succeed on the weight loss front. I feel as if I let people down because so many people believed in me and I am still at where I was when I originally left 10 months ago. Its hard for people to see the progress I am making as a person because its not physical.
If Structure house taught me anything it was that I need a lot of therapy. Not many people know the full story of my life and its because I dont talk much about it. I answer any questions that people ask me but I dont volunteer any information. Most people have no idea that when I was 7, I was raped by a stranger. Or that the last time I saw my mother, I was 10 years old. I thought I had dealt with all the emotional baggage that comes from those two traumatic events but I clearly havent. I am now dealing with this because of my trip to Structure House. Thats HUGE progress to me...
Still, I cant help but feel that I have been a disappointment to all those who follow my weight loss. Part of me wants to tell people to mind their business because I know that I am working on me but I have invited people on my journey and cant get mad when they want to know about it.
Today I am feeling BLAH...I feel apathetic and its because today was a therapy session and my mom came up again...how does a woman who has not been in my life for almost 20 years, still cause so much pain?? I will be writing more and it might get personal....if that bothers some people...I suggest you not read it...
anyways...thats it for now...talk more soon...

As always, thank you for reading and take care...

Its been awhile

Well..its been awhile since I have blogged. Suffice it to say..my journey has been an interesting one..filled with the expected ups and downs of any journey...Some people have asked me about the blog and when I was planning to write again...its funny..I dont think anyone ever asked me why I stopped...but I will share...

When I got back from Structure House, I was so motivated to stay on track and be one of those people who succeeded..I was determined to prove my therapist wrong...she had warned me when I left..saying that I would not succeed if I didnt continue seeing a therapist...well..lo and behold..she was right...Many people dont know a lot about my past and how traumatic it was...I actually suffer from a mild form of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)...My way of coping with this trauma was to suppress it and not think about the all the feelings that come with it.. well...this method of coping is one of the reasons why I had to go to Structure House in the first place... I tend to avoid anything not pleasant or anything I am ashamed of... anyways... when I got back from my stay, I had Brenda's wedding (Which was AMAZING) and things got hectic...I let myself use that as an excuse to fall of the wagon...I got really busy and just didnt focus as much as I could have.. I felt myself slipping but couldnt quite stop myself...Then I felt ashamed and disappointed because my company had spent so much money sending me to this place and it was all a waste...

I started seeing a therapist again and have been now for about 3 months...what I realize now is that although I have not continued losing weight, my stay was NOT a waste...it was there that I realized the importance of therapy and just how much I needed to overcome and just how hard it is... I wrote to my therapist at Structure House and shared my feelings of failure and she responded and said I am not failing because I am learning how to take care of myself and doing what I need to do to overcome the past... see for the last 20 years Ive though that I overcame things because I survived them...but I am realizing that I need to heal from them...surviving all in itself is something to be proud of but if I never deal with the actual feelings surrounding the events, I will never heal... So..I am starting my healing process...

Its funny because my blog is called journey to a healthy jackie and losing weight to find myself and that couldnt be more true...I might blog more in the near future..and while it wont always be about weight loss..it will always be true to me...it might get personal and uncomfortable but I am doing what I need to do...

anyways..I know this is a lot of rambling (as is my style!! ) and random info..but just wanted to let you know where Ive been...

Thanks for reading and take care!!

Fell off the wagon but I am back on!!

Week 2 at home...this week was interesting. I started the week off by eating JUNK! At first I was going to be unstructured just for dinner on Valentine's day because I wanted to go out with my honey and not worry about anything. Well..it was a mini spiral after that..I figured..we are going out for dinner..I could have some coffee before then....well..a donut went with the coffee... TROUBLE!! After dinner, I came home and had some cookies...YUM!! Now, in my mind, I thought...well, I will go back to my structured life first thing on Sunday...

Sunday morning..I wake up and I am not motivated to do anything!! It wasnt even morning..I woke up at 11 because Elio and I had gone to bed after 3 AM! So I decided...I am just going to have a reasonable lunch and then get back to my structure. Not so... that day for lunch I met up with Brenda and Ed and where did we eat? JOHNNY ROCKETS!! The hamburgers were PURE grease...now I am feeling sick and what do I do..eat a cinnabon that night!! I realize that I could have made different choices but I didnt. Ok..so Monday I will be back on..no problem!

Monday morning...I woke up late again because I was exhausted the day before...so I thought lunch..I am back on to my plan..not to be... I went out with my friend and ended up having Panera Bread!! It was sooo good..then we went to the movies and I gave into my mental temptation of POPCORN!! Dinner time rolls around and I made a pizza for Elio and I. We then had some more cookies (which were AMAZING!!) Tuesday was going to have to be my "back to structure" day!!

Tuesday....I GOT BACK ON TRACK!! I went back to my structured eating and have been doing so for the remainder of week. While I was being unstructured, I still continued to weigh myself every day and I could see the numbers go up (lots of salt/sodium in processed foods).... Now that I am back on my plan, they started coming down again.. I am happy to be back on track with my food and realize that a 3 day eating spree is NOT something I am proud of but it stopped after 3 days and didnt continue. I also continued some other good habits, so I didnt sabotage myself too much!!

Moral of this blog: When you fall off the wagon, drag yourself back on!!

Thanks for reading and take care!!

First week at home!

Ok...so I havent written in awhile....I got home on Saturday and it has been a little wierd getting back to the real world. I wanted to come home and see my honey and my family so bad, that I didnt really think about how hard it would be when i came home to implement all the changes. Structure House is wonderful and provides a safe haven. All the meals are prepared there and the gym is right there when you need it. Classes are spreadout throughout the day and there is free time to allow you to work out in the day as well. The most complicated part of the meal planning was circling what you wanted off the menu for the following week. When I was in NC, I thought, this may be hard but I can definitely adopt this at home....

I got home and OMG!! haha..It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I spent hours on Sunday going through the recipes to determine what I was going to make for the week...I then spent another hour or so writing my lists for shopping...then another 2 hours or so actually food shopping!! I felt like thats all I did on Sunday and Monday...then to actually plan 3 meals a day from the top of my head that are nutrionally balanced..WOW...thats a LOT harder..haha..but I have been managing to do it..I have not been perfect since I have been home but I have been structured for about 75% of the time. I am pretty proud of myself and my honey because we have actually incorporated exercise at home. He is joining me on this journey and that makes me a happy camper!

So..yes I will keep this blog and keep you aware of my journey....

Thanks for reading and take care!!

Almost time to go home!

Well..I am almost at the end of my stay here and I am very excited to be going home. I have learned so much here; not only about food and diet but also about myself. I am not sure many people know this about me but that have been times that I have wanted to disappear and just go into a black hole somewhere for about 6 months. I know this is a long time but that was usually when I was at my lowest. So..coming here was my way of disappearing for 4 weeks. I came all alone and was able to embark on my journey... I definitely feel as if I am stronger now and can conquer this weight issue. Ive thought a lot about my weight while here and I realized that I have been heavy my entire adult life and have battled weight issues this entire time. However, I also now know that its not just an issue about food or even overindulging in food. There are so much other factors involved with overeating and the abuse of food, especially when food is viewed as a reward. Coming to Structure House has helped me open my eyes to issues or factors I had been ignoring. Because I am seeing them now, I feel I can address them. In addressing them, I feel I will be able to adhere to my new food plan..

I was talking to the front desk, Jen and Juan, and I was talking about my excitement regarding home and they said the nicest thing. Juan said that I was a delight and they would miss me. Jen said that there are people that they see and fear about their success at home but I am one of those people who she knows will do well at home. That felt good to hear because that is how I feel. So many people have told me that they believe in me. For the first time in a long time, I believe in me. I think that I may have finally turned the corner and am ready to walk down a new street. The path ahead of me is one that will be difficult at times and I know that I will want to quit but I wont. I intend to use the next few days here to continue to soak up as much information as I can. After all, who knows when I will have the opportunity to return!

As always, thanks for reading and take care!

3 weeks and 3 miles

I am in pain today!! I decided yesterday to challenge myself and go on a very hilly walk. Its called the Duke Trail and its a 3.2 mile walk with a few big hills and small hills around the track. I decided that before I leave, I would take the challenge and walk the hill. I remember back to my first walk here at Structure House and it was a very flat 2 mile...I thought I was going to die then. Then I did the same walk two weeks later and it was a lot easier that time... I have been working out since I have been here and felt I could mentally take on the walk. I told my group here that I was going to do this and out of 4 people, only 1 made me feel like I could not make it. He was on that first walk with me and I guess felt that I was not going to be able to handle the intensity of this trail. Anyways...I decided this was it and I was going to go on the walk... So I woke up first thing yesterday morning..EXHAUSTED because I had a late night before hand but I refused to back out of my challenge...I ate breakfast and waited at the bus for us to take off. There were a total of 4 people: Nancy (a fitness instructor and also the driver) , Kim and Chris. Chris is in my group and was there to support me. So off we go...

When we got to the trail, I saw lots of cars parked and many people begin and ending their walk. I started at the same pace as Nancy. Now..Nancy is a fitness queen and set a pretty fast power walking. I was proud because I was keeping up with her...well..that is until this giant hill crept up on us... I climbed the hill slowly laggin behind Nancy.. at this point, Chris was behind us and Kim had jogged ahead (yes..JOGGED!!). We continue to walk and I am feeling the burn and am keeping pace with this Nancy..she was talking and all I could think was..I cant waste any breaths on talking...so I just nodded and gave one word answers...about 1/3 of the way..I am slowing down...I felt like I just couldnt catch my breath...so I started walking with Chris and even slowed behind him a little... At one point, I just bent down and tried to catch as much air as possible. Chris waited for me and he and I walked at a little slower rate. Nancy had long passed us but we continued walking and talking. Chris was able to keep me motivated and take my mind off the burning and nausea... When I got back to the bus, everyone had congratulated me because it was my first time walking the trail..

I felt very triumphant that I had walked the trail and survived! Chris pointed out something to me on our walking...we were significantly heavier than a lot of the other people on this trail.. yet we were able to complete it as well...when I thought of it..I realized he was right. How many times have we judged ourselves and felt disappointment because we feel like we dont measure up with other people. So often we fail to look at things objectively. For example, I was the heaviest one on this trail. Everyone else was at least 50 lbs smaller than I am... so for me to expect myself to walk at their pace and be ok was unrealistic....so I did it at my time and was able to SUCCEED!! YES!!

Like Brenda said... 2 miles in 2 weeks...and 3 miles in 3 weeks!! This is my 4th week but I dont expect to walk the 4 miles- haha.. we'll see!!

As always..thanks for reading and take care!

Support

Since I have been here, I have been reflecting a lot. When you eat dinner by 5:30, 6:00..theres not that many things to do afterward. In my thinking, I have come to appreciate the supportive influences in my life. I am blessed with a wonderful sister, who supports me in whatever I do. I have a family that is rooting for me to succeed and has genuine belief that I can do this. My boyfriend is amazing with his support of me and my journey. In terms of friends, I am truly blessed by the amount of love and support that surrounds me. I have friends that have just embraced this new change for me and have taken time to reach out to me and let me know they are there. There are people whom I am not even close to or may not even have met yet, who are reaching out in support. That is PHENOMENAL!! It really uplifts me.

I remember one day I came out of an intense therapy session and checked my little mailbox and there were 2 cards from Brenda, my sister. I was so excited because I LOVE mail!! Then I thought maybe one was from her and one was from Ed because he addressed one of the envelopes. I opened the first card and it was this really supportive card from Brenda just reminding me how much she loves me and knows I will succeed. It had a ton of quotes that I will put up later... When I opened up the second card, I was a little confused because it looked like different quotes. Well...when I opened it..I was overwhelmed with the amount of LOVE.. There were inspirational quotes from so many people...to even write about it, is overwhelming but in a good way.. because it reminded me that even when I think no one cares or that I am not alone...

So...this is my THANK YOU to everyone who has shown support in the last 3 weeks!! It has meant the world to me!!

Success

They are doing Success Week here at Structure House and it has been a pretty interesting topic. I guess what I get most out of it is how success is defined. Its almost like the Rent song "Seasons of love" where they ask how to measure a year? 525, 600 minutes (in case anyone was wondering how to measure it in a year!!!! ) Anyways... success in this journey can be measure in a number of ways. I had to place myself in a spectrum that started with the extreme of unsuccessful to the other extreme of successful. I placed myself closer to the successful side. I may not have lost a lot of lbs (although I am proud of what I've lost), but I feel a difference in my clothes, my walking, and my hunger cravings. Therefore, I feel I have been successful. Its funny because I think sometimes we define success by other people's definition. Yesterday we celebrated someone's 100 lb loss here at Structure House. This person still has a long way to go but he has been very successful. I mention this because to look at him, you might not see his success, which might lead you to question it. Success is relative. If I am someone who NEVER exercised prior to coming here, success for me might mean that I have been to the gym 6 out of the 7 days here. That may or may not reflect in the lbs lost but it is a success. Therefore...choose your own measure of success!!

Feelings about weight

I know this is my second post today but I really wanted to just get my thoughts down about something. Today I attended a workshop about raising a child or teen with healthy eating. It was a small group discussion with 7 women, including myself. 4 of us had children and then three of us had kids or special teens in our life. I also wanted to know what they said about raising a healthy kid because eventually I would like to have kids!

So, Marlene, the nutrionist here, was one of the women and she was giving us some information on how to handle food when it comes to children and teen. Several things she said was interesting....like we cant force kids to eat..the only thing we can do is be good role models for them and they will eventually pick up the habits we set and learn to eat the right things for themselves... something to that effect, I am oversimplying it but thats the gist of it... the one thing that struck me the most was Marlene's comment that if there your child is on the pudgy side or the heavier side, that is their weight issue and not yours. "everyone's weight is their own issue." She said heavier kids should not be placed on special diets. Everyone in the family should be eating healthy.

I thought that was interesting because most of the times you hear that these kids should be placed on diets. But Marlene is right...no ones weight should be anybody else's business. I think most of the time kids overeat is because something else is going on with them. I think when people start harassing these kids to eat "better," it not only makes the child feel bad but it may also make them a secret eater, which means they are building an unhealthy relationship with food... If parents create a healthy environment for the kid and becomes a good role model, the child will let them know if they would like to lose weight and seek help.

I think its probably a good protocol for people to stop focusing on what other people weigh and worry about themselves. I am learning so much about why eating for nourishment is so important. There are a lot of skinny people out there who eat HORRIBLY and are not fit or healthy. Just like there are some bigger people who eat healthy foods or are fit... We all need to look at ourselves and find ways to improve our own lives...

Some random thoughts on weight... Thanks for reading and take care!!

2 mile walk

So...on the first real day of the program, I chose to join one of the fitness instructors, Alicen, on a two mile guided walk and thought I was going to die. I remember climbing one of the small hills and thinking...OMG...I am not going to make it...or just pass out!! Alicen had no idea until about 1/2 way through..it was a silent misery...At one point we came to a small fork in the road. The left arrow pointed to the road and the right pointed to the loop, which I thought would lead us back to Structure House...I was praying we went right but no...the woman went LEFT!! Was she trying to kill me? Anyway, we finally made it back because Alicen took a shortcut and I swear I had tears because it was that painful for me...

Well, yesterday one of the people in my group decided he wanted to go on the walk...so I said..I am going to go and see if there has been any improvement in the two weeks I have been here...well..it was a small group of four people and I think I am the heaviest and certainly dont work out as much as the others...but..I took the LEAD!! YAY!! I set the pace, which was like power walking, and I remained in the lead the entire time... I was on a mission...I felt so proud of myself...

We decided to walk the trail every morning and I woke up early this morning and sure enough, we were on our way. This time I had to slow my pace because Chris and Sandy didnt want to go as fast...imagine that..me slowing my pace!

Anyways...thought this was cool!! Thanks for reading... take care!!

thoughts

So...I am sitting here in between classes and I am feeling blah today..I am not sure why...I could be a little tired ( I did come late after seeing RENT for the 12th time!!!), it could be because I am a little homesick...I am not sure what it is but I am not feeling all that peppy or even happy. I started going to therapy here to address some issues and while I think it will eventually be something that will help me, it is hard to go through. I dont know what I quite expected but its definitely a hard thing and I have a lot of respect for those people who have either gone to therapy, still go to therapy or have intentions of going into therapy. It wreaks havoc emotionally but its all worth it....

so...yea..its a blah day. Its weird because I spend all day in classes talking about weight and eating and more weight and fitness and weight again and then who knows what else. I am glad I am finally at a point in my life where I can take what I am learning and implement it. I think for one of the first times in my life I am realizing just how important it is to remain active in my daily life and to eat healthy. I remember looking at someone who was always watching what they ate and making exercise a priority and I would think "that would drive me nuts." But I realize that I will become that person.

Weight affects so much of our lives, its unreal... I mean...aside from the medical complications (which are a night mare in itself!)....my weight has hindered me from doing things because I was too out of shape...climbing stairs was not an option because I would be too out of breath... going for long walks were also out of the question because I was huffing and puffing after about 1 minute of walking (ok..maybe not that quick but you get the point!) and then theres going out to eat in the warmer months and not eating outside because of fear the chair wouldnt hold my weight or I wouldnt fit comfortably in it... Then the shame that would inevitably come once these thoughts creeped into my hear... these are just some of the ways the weight held me back...

I am learning about quality of life...its not just going through the everyday motions of just working and stuff but what is meaningful in life. I want a BETTER quality of life. Therefore.. things have to change when I get home... I will be looking for support in this and I know i have it because I am blessed!! :-)

This was just some thoughts today but I actually feel a little better now!! Thanks for reading... take care!!

Inauguration Day

So...today is a pretty special day in history...and while its not necessarily connected to weight loss, I feel today is a special day. Its a day that will be talked about for years to come!! We are all so blessed to be able to be a part of it in some way and some how. Today is a new day for this country and we are moving in a new direction. I kinda feel the same way about my weight loss. I feel that I am about to embark on a new and healthier version of my life. To be honest, I feel like I am exactly where I need to be right now. I have all the tools at home that I need to be successful, which is the love and SUPPORT I get from all my friends and family. I will be leaning on each and every one of you when it gets tough or I may feel I want to quit and I know you will be there to prop me up!! I kinda just rambled and realized that I strayed...haha...oh well...

Talk to you soon..thanks for reading and take care!!

The Program

So I have now been here a week and I am losing some weight!! I know most of it is water weight but it makes me happy none the less!! I know a lot of people are curious as to how the program actually works. So here is a synopsis... when I got here, they had me on 1200 calories a day because thats the minimum for most women. They then have a set menu for people eating 1200 calories....well...at meal time, I go to the dining room and swipe my card and then pick my table. Then someone comes and brings the meal. With each meal, I get a ticket with everything I am getting to eat, along with the calories in that meal. Every morning before we eat, we have to weigh ourselves, which sounds a little crazy but you just get used to it... Once you meet with the nutrionist, she gives you the amount of calories you need based on your weight and other stuff...so then you have to plan the rest of your meals based on your calories. That has to be turned in by Wednesday for the next week. Thats how the food goes.

They then have a bunch of classes you can sign up with...They have group exercise classes and try to teach you the right way to exercise. They offer personal training but its at an extra cost, which I dont like but thats how it is. But the fitness is completely up to you. Some people exercise HOURS a day and some barely exercise. I wasnt as heavy into the exercising the first week but I will step it up tomorrow. They suggest cardio 30 -60 minutes a day for 5 - 7 days a week. They also suggest stength training 2- 3 days a week.

They also behavorial classes that you can attend as well. The classes are really meant to show you the relationship you may have developed with food and how it may be unhealthy. They are also classes that show why food should be eaten in a certain way. For example the program sticks to 3 meals a day and theres NO snacking. Theres not even any snacking on healthy foods ..just no snacking. Its interesting because with snacking, sometimes I used to eat just for the hell of it and not because I was hungry. I find the meals are just about enough. I get really hungry at night but I ignore it!!

Week one is over and for the most part, I think this is really doable. I find it a little easier to walk up the small hill and the small flight of stairs. I am really enjoying the water fitness classes!! And I meeting some interesting people... I will write more later this week!

Thanks for reading and take care!!

Kinda Blue

So...today is Friday and about the 5th or 6th day here, depending on when the count started. The program is going well. The meals are not that bad, actually... I know I said that before...but I still believe it. There was only one day where the food was gross....no cheese blintz or bok choy for me....NO THANK YOU!!! I've started working out and think its definitely necessary but I dont love it yet...maybe in the next 3 weeks...who knows!!

Anyways..right now I am kinda feeling sad...I left the gym teary eyed and I dont even know why. As I sit here right now, I am teary eyed. I just miss my life....I miss my babe...I miss my sister...I miss my friends...I am just missing everyone and everything..I remember coming thinking how hard it was to leave and come here but I have it easy compared to some people. Some people have actually left there young children and husbands to come here. However, that doesn't change the fact that I am sad...I know that this is important and I am here for a reason but right now a little blue...

Tonight I am going to the movies to see My Bloody Valentine with another girl here...should be fun! Anyways..thanks for reading...

Day 1 in the program

Ok....so I am not sure I am going to be posting everyday but I felt compelled to write today. The first half of my day was pretty non eventful in terms of things happening. I had breakfast and then some classes. We have some things that are pre scheduled for the day and then I add some things to my free spots. I realized this morning that I am actually blessed and very supported. I was filling out a questionnaire and they had some questions about friends and family and whether or not they support life changes and as I answered it...I remembered and really realized that I am supported EVERY step of the way by those that are important to me. I am so grateful for that. That support will bring me through the tough times....Like this afternoon when I decided to go on a guided walk. It was a 2 mile walk and I figured it sounded innocent enough...a guided walk...omg.....I thought I was going to die!! My muscles were killing me and I just wanted to lay down and pass out...I could barely talk when I was walking and really thought I was done but I persevered and made it through!!! :-)

This is definitely not an easy program but one that will be rewarding...

Take care!! Until next time!

The day has come!! I am finally here!!

I can't believe the day has finally come...I am finally in Raleigh/Durham!! I am sitting in my little apartment writing my first post and I am READY to start a new healthy way of living. I arrived by 2 and went to sleep almost immediately....I needed a nap...I had a long night of packing and getting ready for my trip. After my nap, I woke up STARVING.... I was scared of what to expect at dinner... well...I had my first dinner already, which wasnt as bland as I anticipated...had chicken parm with whole wheat pasta, spaghetti sauce and green beans with almonds...dessert was a baked apple...which wasnt too bad... The food in itself was not that bad....it could be that I was famished and needed food but I think all in all...it was not bad... After dinner, we had an orientation to let us know what to expect...

As I sat through orientation, I had to think to myself..how did I get here... When I was younger, before the age of 14, I was a little twig...I lived with different people until then and food was always used as a punishment or reward. It was very controlled... When I went away to high school, I had access to all kinds of food at ALL times of the night... and I overindulged...I went from wearing a size 6/8 freshman year to wearing 18/20 senior year. In college, I just added to that weight and graduated college wearing 22/24. That was almost 8 years ago...

In September of 2008, I hit my mental low. I couldnt believe how much I had let myself gain. I had dieted a few years ago and lost 40 lbs but it was all back. I had done another diet and lost almost 20 lbs but those lbs are back as well. I had heard about the structure house (www.structurehouse.com) about 2 -3 years ago but it was a little more money than I was willing to spend.... So I removed it as an option. By September, I realized I needed a change and needed to make an investment in myself. I am fortunate enough not to have any of the ailments and illnesses associated with obesity but my luck will eventually run out.. so..I chose structure house and here I am...

My first day begins tomorrow at 7:45 AM...well a little earlier for me because for some reason, I dont have a pen and there is none in the apt...why wouldnt they provide a pen but expect you to fill out about 4 different sets of forms?? So...I will make my way up and start my journey at approximately 7:25 AM...

I appreciate all the people who have expressed interest and support in what I am doing... I will try to update you as I make progress!!

Stay tuned!!